


Weaknesses

by ConclusionsOfTheHeart



Category: Boruto: Naruto Next Generations, Naruto
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Crack Fic, F/M, Fan - Freeform, Fanfic, Fanfiction, Fic, Funny, Gen, Humor, Multi, Naruto Shippuden - Freeform, Other, Story, Violence, fan fic, naruto - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-18 15:01:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29491755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConclusionsOfTheHeart/pseuds/ConclusionsOfTheHeart
Summary: The Akatsuki consists of incredibly strong ninja. But even the most powerful and revered shinobi harbor some kind of... weakness. What happens when those weaknesses are tested by rather unusual challenges? And does Pein hold a special loathing for blondes?
Relationships: Friendship - Relationship, Orginization, Teammate, partners - Relationship
Kudos: 6





	1. AGGRESSION

**Author's Note:**

> This fic contains swearing, some depictions of violence, and an increasingly questionable sense of humor. This is a crack fic

Disclaimers: I don’t own Naruto. This fic contains swearing, some depictions of violence, and an increasingly questionable sense of humor. This crack and is purely for fun. Be bold. Introducing chapter 1.

* * *

"Deidara, I'm glad you're here. Now, there’s an important matter we must discuss."

"Sure. What is it?"

Deidara had never particularly liked their leader. Indirectly forcing one into the Akatsuki, waking one at unruly hours of the day and night to go on missions, and ignoring requests for raises or breaks tended to make one unlikable. But today, Deidara began to question if Pein even knew what reason  _ was. _

"Wait a second, Sir. What do you want me to do?" He asked, holding back his incredulous look.

Pein sighed. "We've been through this, Deidara. It isn't difficult to comprehend."

Thus Pein reiterated his explanation.

"I will say this once more. This organization is one of overwhelming power, yes, and that is only because of the members within it. Even so, over the past few months, I have been closely observing you all and couldn’t help but notice one overwhelming weakness from almost each one of you. We cannot let anything potentially hinder our future conquests."

Deidara nodded impatiently.

"That is why I’ve decided we will spend a week trying something... new: Each day a member will be challenged. Their challenge will be to face the weakness that I see most evident within them. After all, the best way to strengthen is to face one’s weak points and conquer them head on, once and for all, consequently making us invincible.” Pein intertwined his fingers after placing them on his desk.

  
  


Deidara understood that. He even thought it was a good strategy when it came to strengthening, technically speaking. But the proposed  _ methods... _

"Yeah, but why me? Why do I have to be involved? Hm."

The ginger-haired man looked up from his paper work. "It's simple. We don't have enough time in our schedule to go through every member. Konan and I decided we had to leave at least two of you out, and since you seem to be the most well-balanced and suited, you will not be tested but instead paired against each chosen member as their opponent.” Pein paused before adding, “Consider it a mission."

Deidara narrowed his eyes. He loved to fight, and he wasn't above getting another opportunity to use his art. But there was something about Pein's sharp, ringed eyes that put him on edge. 

"And if I decline?"

Pein fixed him with his usual reserved stare. "There is no room for refusal, Deidara."

Silence.

"I just remembered I have a folder full of side missions that need accomplishing, and I'm afraid your partner, Sasori will be busy. However, Tobi will be free for them all. There are over twelve."

Deidara twitched.  _ Dammit, hm. _

"That's not even the beginning of the things I’ll have no choice but to task you with alternatively if you choose to opt out of this mission.”

Deidara internally sighed. Okay, maybe he was getting worked up for nothing. How hard could it be anyway? Especially when it came to a competition along the lines of their weaknesses?

He sighed, defeated. "Fine. I'll do it, hm. When do we start?"

"Tomorrow. I advise no slacking off or holding back, by the way. Or else." 

Deidara forced a respectful bow as he accepted. As he went to the door however, he asked the question that refused to stop making his internal skin crawl.

"Leader. What exactly are these challenges going to be, hm?" 

For the first time ever, Deidara thought he saw Pein's lips quirk upward ever-so-faintly, but when he turned for a fuller view, Pein’s face was blank.

"You'll see."

**

"Attention, everyone.”

Pein stood on a stage that he and Konan had set up the previous day. It was wide and long, stretching the length of one wall, taking up space in the Akatsuki's lounging room in the Amegakure headquarters. Every Akatsuki member was present, some standing looking up at Pein's elevated form, some strewn lazily on the couch.

"I have called this meeting because we’re starting something new today. As you all have noticed, there is no mission line-up this week."

"Heh, fine with me, long as I can wander around for sacrifices," Hidan remarked, sinking deeper into the couch. Kakuzu glared at him warningly.

"Starting today one of you will go against Deidara in a specific challenge that Konan and I have pre-determined for most of you."

There were grumbles of confusion until Kisame spoke up. "Yes, but what is this for, Pein-sama?" Pein realized he'd have to explain things again. After telling everyone, he ignored all further inquiries.

"There will be no more questions. Now," Pein did a jutsu, and a desk appeared facing across from the stage. Pein along with Konan, who was equipped with a bell and clipboard, took a seat at the desk. "Our first challenge: Deidara VS. Tobi." With that, Pein threw a couple more hand signs and the stage turned into an enormous boxing ring.

"Eh?" Tobi perked up and shook his head. "Leader, you're not implying what I think you are. R-right?"

Deidara’s eyes lit up a bit. Maybe this mission wouldn't be so bad after all...

"I wasn't finished," Pein said. "Tobi, your weakness is your lack of aggression. There is a reason you're in this organization..."

_ Haven't figured that one out yet, hm. _

"You have the power. Afterall, you are the actual l—” Pein coughed and choked suddenly as Konan gave him a quick look.

“...Right. Excuse me. With your power, you must be strong enough to face anything, even things you may not want to face. Therefore...your opponent will be your part-time partner.”

"Ha! Tobi's about to get his ass whooped!"

"Hidan." Kona turned around to look at the jashinist. "This isn't for entertainment or amused commentary, this is an exercise to get Tobi to overcome his weakness, now silence."

Tobi jumped around nervously. "But  _ Leader _ , I don't wanna fight Senpai! I-I don't want to hurt him! Can't I do anything else?"

"Tobi, get up there. Now. And if you think about backing out of this, you will be punished. Whoever says 'I tap out' first loses, understand? Those are the only rules."

Deidara smirked as he stepped into the ring, slipped his cloak off, tied his hair further back, and pulled the black gloves on. Maybe this would teach the masked idiot to back off. Tobi slowly stepped in as well, putting on his own set of gloves.

All eyes were on the pair as they faced each other. "You have fifteen minutes at the most. This match starts..." Konan smacked the bell twice. "Now!"

The pair began to circle each other. Tobi leaned forward.

"Hey, Senpai!" he whispered. "Go easy on me, yeah? We don't have to fight for real. How ‘bout this, you swi— OW!" Tobi cried as a swift punch was thrown at the side of his face. Deidara scoffed.

"No bargaining, Tobi. Let’s go, hm!" He threw another punch at his face as some of the members cheered and whooped. Tobi dogged and jumped back. The artist threw multiple hooks and a few attempted kicks but missed until he finally did get another hit in at the stomach, and Tobi doubled over. Deidara held back a laugh. He’d never fought in boxing style before, and it wasn't every day you could beat the crap out of a walking annoyance and get away with it.

After a few more successful blows, Tobi began to scream, running away from the blonde. Thus a chase began.

Pein stood from his seat. "No, you stay in that ring Tobi, and stop running." He sat back down.

"I can't do this! I-I can't go all out!! I can’t fight my friend, Pein-s _ amaaa-! _ " Tobi fell to the mat as Deidara tackled him. He straddled his waist and grinned wickedly.

"Come on Tobi, hm!" He delivered punch after punch to the masked man's mask, arms or any place that was exposed, as Tobi yelped. "You just gonna let me sock you like this? Fight back!" 

Tobi threw his arm out, striking Deidara right in the nose. The blonde's head snapped back. 

His nose began bleeding, but he paid it no mind, as he was used to much worse. All was silent as Deidara hadn’t remembered being pushed off of Tobi, yet the masked man was suddenly standing up on his feet again. All eyes, even Itachi's were on the duo. Hidan whistled.

"See? What's the point of this?! I'm just hurting Senpai—I can't do it!" Tobi wailed, crossing his arms and turning away from Deidara.

Pein looked on, expressionless. "One of you must forfeit."

"Oh, c’mon! You think a little nose bleed’s gonna kill me? I'll show you just how hurt I am! I’m offended, Tobi!" Deidara growled as he ran at the cowering man. But to his surprise his fist, followed by his entire body... phased right through Tobi—?—and with all his momentum lost to the air, Deidara flew to the ground. After a few moments, he stood up, fuming as the other members were dead silent. Except Hidan who burst into cackles.

"I know there has to be a winner, but I won't fight you!" Tobi put a finger to his mask in thought, then he straightened. "Ah! That's it!" He yanked off his gloves to reveal his wiggling fingers. Deidara paused.

"One of us has to forfeit, Senpai, and I have to pass my challenge," Tobi chuckled. Before Deidara could understand what was happening, he was on the mat again and to his humiliation, he exploded with laughter as the masked man began to tickle him. 

"Tobi, y-you idiot!" Deidara gasped as he was already running out of breath from the laughter. This was ridiculous. He could barely think straight as Tobi tickled him ruthlessly. "Stohohop—CUT IT OUT!!" he shrieked.

"Not until you tap out!" Tobi yelled through Deidara's hysterics. Was this even okay? Why wasn't Pein stopping him?

"The idiot's got him now!" Hidan snickered. After a few more minutes of the torture that he couldn’t escape, Deidara finally caved.

"O-Okay, I tap out!" he wheezed, and Tobi stopped instantly, jumping up and throwing his hands in the air victoriously. Konan dinged the bell three times. Everyone cheered.

"The winner is...Tobi!" Pein's voice boomed. Deidara slowly stood, fuming and face red in shame as he realized he'd just lost to  **Tobi** , of all people. He attempted to shove Tobi out of the way but again phased right through his dancing body—when did he start doing that?! He was prepared to kill the man for real this time when—

"Deidara, you may not blow Tobi up. Stop this at once." The blonde spun around, shoving his finger at Pein.

"He cheated, you saw that, hmm!" Pein's cold rinnegan fell upon him.

"The only rule was the ‘I tap out’. Now, I admit, I didn't exactly… favor Tobi's strategy, but he has still passed. You lost, Deidara. For that, your salary will diminish five percent, and we will talk more later. You will receive your next opponent tomorrow."

The blonde snarled as he stormed outside to blow some things up, imagining it was Pein.


	2. STOICISM

The next day, all the members were back in the lounge again to engage in the daily challenge. Pein cleared his throat and raised his hand.

"Now we are going forward to day two of our challenges. Last night, Konan and I discussed our next steps deeply." 

Konan stood and held the clipboard. "Next challenge features: Deidara-san VS. Itachi-san." 

Deidara's heart sped just a smidge as his ears were filled with everyone’s chatter. He hated the Uchiha, and he'd usually jump at the opportunity to defeat him at something, but as much as he hated to admit it, he wasn't sure he was quite ready to face the weasel. He was still in the process of training to get his revenge on him.

"Itachi, you are Deidara's next opponent because I have sensed a weakness within you that cannot be ignored," Pein said solemnly.

Itachi raised his eyes to meet Pein’s. He looked not at all interested. 

"You are one of the strongest this organization has, however. You are very reserved and have a stoicism about you that gives me the impression that you have something bottled up inside."

Itachi’s eyebrows rose a hair. Since when did the leader of an evil organization care about his subordinates' feelings?

"My point is if you continue to act this way, it can become an eventual problem during your missions."

“Hn.” Itachi stared ahead blankly. "I have no clue what you mean. My personal problems do not hinder my performance during missions, and I believe that's all that matters, am I wrong?" he spoke flatly. It was very rare that he spoke this much at once in the Akatsuki’s presence, and every eye was on him in silent astonishment.

"Pein-sama's got a point, Itachi-san,” Kisame said reluctantly. "You... do seem to be naturally tense, and whenever we're on missions I can sense your manner making others suspicious. That could've blown our cover at any time...", Kisame trailed off.

"The way I am has nothing to do with matters concerning the Akatsuki," Itachi said with the same flat tone, indicating that he did not wish to continue this discussion.

"If that's what you'd like to think, Itachi. But as the figurehe— errahem, excuse me. I’ve got a cold today. As the leader of the Akatsuki, you  _ will _ participate. Am I clear?" Pein's voice sounded dangerously calm. Itachi was less than pleased, to say the least, but he didn't believe challenging the leader anytime soon was necessary. He sighed inaudibly, standing up. 

Pein nodded. "Very well. This is for your own good, Itachi. Now, since we believe the solution to your weakness is loosening up, your challenge will include a dance-off. You—”

"What?!" Deidara yelled in chorus with Hidan and Kisame who were amused beyond compare.

"Leader's finally lost it," Kisame muttered to a bored looking Sasori. Itachi continued standing in place, looking constipated and impassive as usual, though he tensed slightly.

"You’re kidding, hm. Sir, I don't see how this will help Itachi in any way! I refuse to do this!" Deidara shouted but instantly regretted it as he was forcefully smacked into the wall with something that felt like a strong gush of air. He groaned as he slid down the wall.

Pein brought his raised hand back down to his side. "Do not test me, Deidara. Everything I do is for a reason; we are very busy, and I am not for wasting time. Now stand up, and get on the dance floor.  _ Now. _ ”

Everyone's attention was on Itachi again as he gracefully walked onto the flashing floor that Konan had just summoned. It lit up and flashed in rainbow colors and there was a glittering disco ball hanging above.

The blonde grumbled curses under his breath and dragged himself onto the floor to face the Uchiha.

"It's okay, Senpai!" Tobi shook his hips. "Show everyone whatcha got!" 

"Shut up, Tobi, hm!" Deidara hated this but it was okay. This was a challenge he was not going to lose. He sized the Uchiha up who was leveling him with a blank stare. Deidara smirked. No one knew it, but the artist actually had a secret talent for dancing. He would always take dancing classes back in his Iwagakure days during his leisure. He was always the envy of every other dancer in his class, always able to bust the ultimate groovy moves.

Despite his opposition, it would be a piece of cake, especially facing this dull weasel. He'd surprise everyone.

"Alright," Deidara sighed, feigning reluctance. "Lets do this already."

"Come on, Itachi-san! Er—  _ surely _ you've got some—er—popping and um—locking within you!" Kisame struggled miserably to encourage the motionless Uchiha.

"Kisame," Sasori said. "Just sit down." Kisame sat down sheepishly.

"Very well then." Pein took his seat next to Konan as she began writing stuff down on the clipboard. "The rules are again, simple. You cannot have the same dance moves. The winner is whoever is cheered on the most. Take your places. This dance-off begins..." Pein pushed a button on the radio and music with a catchy beat blasted out of the speakers. The room got dark, disco lights on Deidara and Itachi. "Now."

Instantly, Hidan sprang off the couch and began chanting and pumping his fist to the beat of the song. "Yeah! Dance, dance, dance, dance!" Tobi got up and joined in, moving wildly.

Deidara grinned at the music. He loved this song. His eyes however narrowed as Itachi's sharingan activated, piercing the darkness as it lit up the man’s face. He scoffed. Itachi should've already known he had trained himself at least  _ somewhat _ against the sharingan. As if it would've worked on him effectively. He ignored it as he began to bust his first move, but gasped in surprise as Itachi hit the Whip and the Nae-Nae. That was his move!

Itachi threw his fist forward then waved as he backed up to the beat of the song. He repeated those moves gracefully as his expression remained emotionless.

The Akatsuki cheered, save Kakuzu, Sasori, and Pein.

"Waaah! Hit that Nae-Nae, Itachi-san!" Deidara threw a glare at the masked man who couldn't see it through the darkness. That traitor.

No problem. The blonde shifted rhythmically as he quickly thought up his next move, when—

"Yeah, do that Cha-Cha, Itachi! Come on Dei-Chan, is that all you got? Dance, dammit!" Hidan yelled.

"Cha, cha, cha, cha, cha, cha! Itachi-san, you rule!"

Deidara gaped as he watched Itachi steal his move yet again. He couldn't do it now, or he'd be disqualified. How the heck was this Uchiha so perfect? Elite ninja, good hair, and good taste in dance moves?

"Deidara," Pein's voice sounded through the speaker as he spoke through the microphone. "Rocking back and forth barely counts as a dance move. Dance." He sat back down rinnegan burning into Deidara warningly.

Deidara thought again. Okay this time Itachi wasn't getting the spotlight—

"Hey, now Itachi's doing the running man! Heey!" Tobi sang. The members cheered again. Deidara cursed, his move again. But no one knew—

"Eeeeey, krump it up, Itachi! Oh man, now you're even break dancing!" Deidara stared wide eyed as Itachi broke out in the same moves that he was seconds away from busting. The Uchiha did them fluently from the Jerk, back to the Nae-Nae, then began doing the chicken, too. Deidara was speechless.

"Hey, Itachi-san! You need to teach me how to dougie!" Kisame yelled as he tried futilely to do just that, but didn't come close to the flawless way Itachi was doing it.

"Kisame. Just sit down." Sasori's bored, brown eyes peered up at the shark man. Kisame sat down sheepishly.

Deidara continued to stare at Itachi and soon realized. His red eyes fixated on the blonde's form. The artist gasped.

"Damn you, hm!" The music abruptly stopped and the member's cheering died down as Pein cleared his throat with much authority.

"Itachi, Itachi, Itachi!"

"Itachi-san!"

"That's enough everyone. Quiet down." Pein stood up as the lights were turned back on and Deidara saw as the Uchiha's sharingan whizzed away. "I see we have a winner here, Deidara, as you have not made one move since this dance-off started." Pein gestured to some of the standing members who looked pumped for Itachi.

The blonde sputtered desperately, face red with rage. "It was —I-I tried—h-h-he didn't —Itachi cheated! He was using his damn sharingan to see what I was planning to do next, hm!!"

Itachi fixed Deidara with an innocent, expressionless stare. "I did no such thing—"

"Like hell you didn't!"

"That's enough, Deidara. Whether Itachi used his sharingan or not does not matter. That did not apply to the rules. Besides. The point of this challenge was to allow Itachi to face his weakness, and now, I think we can all say he has loosened up a bit."

"B-but, you s-"

" I  _ said _ enough." Pein gave him ‘the look’ and the artist’s mouth was shut instantly. "The rules are the rules, and Itachi has evidently won the crowd." This was followed by cheering again. Deidara stared at everyone incredulously.

"Those were  _ my moves! _ I just said the bastard copied me! He—" Everyone seemed to be ignoring him as some members who actually cared about this whole thing continued to cheer and Konan inwardly swooned at the Uchiha's amazing, original moves.

"You have failed, Deidara. Congratulations, Itachi, you have passed your challenge, and will not be punished," Pein said, turning to Itachi. Itachi nodded in return.

"And Deidara, since you lost, your salary has been reduced another five percent and you have bathroom chore duty for the following week." The blonde was about ready to rip his hair out.

Pein turned back to Itachi. "One more thing. Itachi... Has this experience made you feel any less stoic?" Behind Pein's eyes was genuine curiosity. Itachi stood there, silent, before he replied.

"I... suppose this has loosened me up a bit. But I do have other ways of getting things out of my system." With that the weasel turned back to the blonde.

"By the way.” Itachi had his sharingan activated again, staring at Deidara. "Were you implying that I'm such a horrid dancer, that I couldn't come up with my own dance moves?" Before the artist could respond he felt it getting very hot in the room, especially on his head. He screamed as his hair was on fire. It was black fire. 

The bomber ran around frantically in a blind panic, swearing to himself that once this was over, Pein would have to search for a new prodigy for the organization.


	3. IMPASSIVITY

"Pein-sama, we need to talk, hm." 

Deidara didn't bother knocking as he barreled through the door of Pein's office. He had multiple bandages wrapped around his head, bald patches littered his scalp, and the smell of singed hair followed him everywhere. His head was too sore to wash. "I want outta these damn games, right now!"

Pein looked up slowly from his paper work to give the blonde a dangerous, glassy stare. "Deidara, first of all, use your hands to knock next time, before you have no hands at all. Secondly, this is a mission, and you are an S-class missing nin, need I remind you. You are doing this because it benefits your teammates’ improvement, thus strengthening you as well. That prioritizes your own complaints.”

Deidra sighed irritably. "I  _ get  _ that this is training for them, but I never agreed to be humiliated or almost scorched to a burnt crisp!" The artist didn't really see how this was succeeding in anything but the cruel amusement of the other members.

A barely audible sigh passed Pein's lips. Deidara pressed on "And why am I being punished each time I lose, hm? What am I, a grounded teenager? I want some type of justice here, hm!" Deidara held back the urge to stomp his foot. Pein looked at him, not appreciating his tone.

"Now, you know I made Itachi put the fire out," Pein said. Deidara held his glare. After a few moments, Pein spoke again.

"Okay. I have a deal for you, Deidara. Now listen carefully. This is the only thing that will get you out of this mission, understand?" Deidara glanced at the leader suspiciously, finally nodding slowly.

"If you win today's challenge, and only if you win today's challenge, can you resign from this mission. I’ll let either Tobi, or Itachi take your place as each members’ opponent." Pein stared at him awaiting his response. Deidara didn't see any other way out of this besides Pein's offer, so after a moment, he nodded.

"Deal." He smiled a little. There was no way he was going to lose this challenge... Whatever it may be.

...

"Quiet, everyone. Thank you. Okay..." Konan pulled out her clip board once again, everyone's eyes on her. Deidara with a determined gleam in his. This would be his last challenge.

"Today's challenge includes... Deidara VS. Sasori."

"Oooh, it's artist VS. artist!" Tobi cheered. 

"Sasori, you are very impassive; Pein and I agree that is your weakness. While that quality may be propitious at times, there may come an instance in which you are forced to take on a seemingly emotional state. And, as far as I know, you have never even been emotional since entering Akatsuki. That can become an issue in the future during missions."

Sasori gave Konan a blank stare. "Your point is?"

"You simply need to work on your acting skills. Therefore, to warm you up, your challenge is a sing-off against your partner, Deidara."

Pein nodded. "This will hopefully get you used to the practice of better manipulating your vocal cords in order to make them more flexible in different ranges during crucial circumstances." With that, Pein once again made hand signs and two microphones on mic stands appeared on the bare stage.

"This is ridiculous," Sasori said, almost rolling his eyes. "As if I need to do some petty singing in order to be convincing during missions." 

Deidara stared at him. Once again, perhaps this wasn't the best strategy, but he couldn't remember the last time, if at all, Sasori showed any expression outside of malicious mirth, boredom, or annoyance. Though he was deadly, most of the time he felt as if he had a lifeless doll for a partner.

"No problem, Sasori-san," Tobi chirped as he hopped onto the stage, grasping a mic. "I have a talent for singing, I'll pass your challenge for you if you want!" Tobi began to cough out an awful tune that sounded all too similar to a horse being dunked under water. Everyone flinched and covered their ears.

"Dear lord Jashin! Save me from this blasphemy this instant!" Hidan cried clawing at his ears savagely.

"No, Tobi I've got it..." Sasori clicked his joints and stood up a little too quickly.

Tobi stumbled off the stage, blubbering.

"Alright. There aren't many rules. Konan and I will determine the best singer and that will be the winner. Whoever loses will once again, be punished as usual."

"Sasori no danna, get ready to take my place in toilet clean up duty...hm." Deidara smirked as he grabbed a mic. Sasori didn't seem as reluctant as he thought he'd be. He observed as he grabbed the other stand and glanced at him with half lidded brown eyes.

"Whatever, brat."

"Now who will start?" Konan asked.

"I'll go, hm."  _ Let me show him what he's up against _ . After all, Deidara wasn't the worst singer in the world. He never bragged about it like his art, but when it came to it...he wasn't exactly shy about it either. "Pein-sama, play  _ 'The Bomber On The Bank _ ’.” Oh yes. His voice was born for that song.

Pein readied himself with the music player, finding the song on the play track he recently bought. "Found it. This challenge starts... now." He slammed the button and out came a hard and poppy song as it began, the blonde swung the mic stand and gripped the mic as the first lines were approaching.

" _ Last night... I saw you. You were in the bank... I didn't know that you were a booomber… _ " Deidara swayed to the beat of the song as everyone was quiet, listening.

" _ I took your arm as we jumped along the river bed, and I couldn't, no I couldn't baaaabyyyy... Getcha outta my head, oh no... _ " Deidara glanced at Sasori and winked. The redhead stared back at him looking bored and unimpressed as usual. The song went on and the blonde continued in the best voice he could muster up. The members weren't screaming and wincing in distaste like with Tobi. Everyone just stared. Finally the song was finished and Deidara looked up at the ceiling.  _ Heh, I think that was the best I've ever sang, hm. _

After a few seconds everyone clapped except for Pein and Sasori of course. Deidara bowed.

"Well done, Deidara. That wasn't bad." Konan nodded, looking impressed.

"Let’s see if you can top that, Sasori, hm." Sasori rolled his eyes at his grinning partner.

"I'll do what I do, brat. Leader, play ' _ Lead Me to The Dollhouse’ _ ,” he said dryly.

"...Start," Pein said as the music began. Sasori gripped the microphone, slowly bringing it to his wooden lips as a song with a tune that sounded oddly like ‘ _ Welcome to the Jungle’ _ began to play. He looked as if he were about to collapse from boredom. Which is why Deidara almost had a heart attack from what left the puppet master's mouth.

" _ Oooh aaaaah ha haaaa LAAAAAAH…! _ " Sasori belted out as he began. His smooth, soft voice rose tremendously as he spat out beautiful noises. " _ La, la, ohh... When I was out all in the shack, talkin' out back, I didn't realize you'd be in my mind in the dollhouse... _ " Deidara was about to gape, but he held it back. He wouldn’t give the redhead the satisfaction. There was no way he was the better singer.

Sasori's usually blank face was scrunched into a concentrated, soulful expression. Everyone else's mouths were agape, even Itachi and Pein looked a bit surprised. 

Sasori paid everyone no mind as he got into a heated part of the song. “ _ Oh yeah, take me to the dollhouse—yee— take me to the dollhouse, woman. Show me all the dolls you got—woo— and love me, ‘cause my heart is broken... _ " Sasori threw his head back, red mop of hair flying back in his movement. 

Deidara heard a dreamy sigh, and to his horror, he saw Konan looking at Sasori with very interested eyes. A look of fire seized his icy ones. He'd be sentenced to an eternity of torturous punishment and chores if he lost this. No way. He gripped his mic again. Although he'd say the song lacked in artistic taste, he knew it too.

Sasori continued to let loose his beautiful vocals. " _ Oh woman, show me your nice green eyes, and your sweet vice is— _ "

" _ My disguise, hm! And when I hold you in my arms— _ "

" _ Don't be alarmed, no don't be alarmed... _ " Sasori gave the blonde a warning look as he fought to take back over his song. The blonde glared back, determined.

" _ Oh baby don't you see me, see me cry when— _ "

" _ I see the sky, the sky! I see the sky— _ "

" _ So don't you kiss me in the house ca— _ "

_ "Cause I see you inside my miiind, yeh-heheaah—” _

“‘ _ Cause your sweet vice is— _ "

"MY DISGUISE, HM!" Deidara screeched, voice cracking as he tried to overpower Sasori's angelic voice. Sasori gave him one of the most murderous glares a puppet could give.

"Enough of this,” Pein said, voice dangerously icy.

"Deidara. You had no right to interrupt Sasori's turn," Konan reprimanded, looking a bit too disappointed that Sasori was no longer singing.

"Yeah, dumbass, I was enjoying that, dammit!" Hidan snapped. The room became loud with complaints.

"Hey! No one got that worked up about my singing, I demand a redo!" Deidara yelled indignantly.

"I think it's clear who the true winner is," Pein announced. He looked at the irritated redhead. "You have flawlessly proven to us all that you are capable of manipulating your voice in certain situations. You are the winner of this challenge and will not be punished."

Sasori sighed. "You're forgetting, I'm a puppet, not a robot. Just because I haven't shown my emotions doesn't mean I've lost them. It was always the physical things I couldn't feel, not necessarily the emotional,” he said dully as if those statements were the most obvious in the world.

"...Ahh..." Tobi broke the silence.

"Deidara, You have lost yet another challenge. Your salary has gone down another ten percent and you are expected to fulfill cooking responsibilities for the next month and four days."

" _ F*CK THIS ALL!! _ " Deidara seethed, face red, on the verge of having an aneurysm. He whirled around on Kakuzu who was sitting on the couch with a sparkle in his eye. "What the hell are  _ you _ happy about, old man?!" 

Kakuzu's eyes quickly narrowed into a defensive glare. "You need to calm down, Deidara. It’s not my fault you continue to fail." Kakuzu rejoiced inwardly.  _ More money kept in Akatsuki's savings. _ Deidara sneered at him.

"We made a deal. You must accept the results." 

Sasori really can sing, by the way:  [ https://youtu.be/IAIkwSQ_1PU ](https://youtu.be/IAIkwSQ_1PU) XD I wasn't even looking for this, but I'm so glad I found it a while ago!


	4. ATTENTION

"Damn Pein...unreasonable... Causing me all this...hm! I'll show them what's funny with my greatest masterpiece yet. Shove it right up  _ all _ their—!" 

Deidara shoved the plunger deep into the toilet bowl hole with murderous force for the seventy-second time that evening. Water splashed all over the tiled floor of the bathroom, further wetting his chore clothes. He backed into a nearby trash bin and trash spewed everywhere.

Suppressing his string of curses, he bent down to pick up the crumbled candy wrappers and chicken skewers and cried out as he slipped on a soda can.

Not bothering to pick himself up, his hair soaked through with toilet water. Letting his head roll to the side in despair, Deidara stared at the trash before him.

**

"Oh, Deidara-kun? Where are you? It's time for—  **WHAT THE HELL?!** " Black Zetsu cut in with horror. 

"Take that, you damn  _ Pein-sama _ , hm! Oh, what's that Tobi? You hungry?" Deidara's voice took on a nurturing tone. "Well here's some detonating clay for you, you—”

"Deidara!!” 

The artist spun around and dropped a lollipop with white clay stuck in the midst of it's swirls, leg lifted in mid air, ready to bring it down on an orange soda can...that most likely was supposed to be Pein.

"W-what do you want, Zetsu?" Deidara dusted himself off, his matted hair sticking up a bit.

"Um... I-it's time...you know..." Zetsu's white side said. The mission had finally gotten to his sanity.

**

"Glad you made it, Deidara, but you're late," Pein watched as Deidara entered the room with a disturbed looking Zetsu trailing him. The bomber plopped himself onto the leather couch next to Kisame.

"I had to take care of some personal business real quick, hm," Deidara grumbled as politely as he could while his insides were currently burning with malice for the man. 

Realization hit him and Deidara's eyes began to burn with renewed confidence and he berated himself for his despairing attitude just minutes ago. He knew what Pein was trying to do. He was trying to see just how much his subordinate could take. Well one thing was for sure: he wouldn’t let Pein get any more satisfaction.

Pein seemed to eye him suspiciously before looking away. "No matter. While we're all here we may as well get started on our next challenge. Konan and I have come up with a clever one today. Konan." Pein turned to his blue-haired companion.

The angelic woman cleared her throat. "Before I start, I just want to thank all of you for your cooperation for this whole week thus far.” She cleared her throat again and shook out a piece of paper that stretched out until it touched the floor. “I’d like to take this moment to give my speech as well. First, I’ll remind you guys that there are only three more challengers left. Now, I've been closely watching you all—"

"Yeah, great, could we get on with this already?" Just because he was determined again to show Pein how unbreakable he was didn't mean he was for dragging this thing out for six more years. He flashed a fake smile as Pein slowly turned to give him the... creepiest look.

"Hah, I mean, go on Konan, yeah."

Konan looked mildly offended as she folded up her 5 foot speech script. "Challengers today: Deidara VS. Hidan."

"Tch— about damn time it's my turn! Thought I was never gonna get to go. Seriously..." 

Deidara looked over at Hidan who was sitting on a swivel chair in the corner of the room with his legs propped on the coffee table. He held back a groan. He should've known this was coming. It was only a matter of time before the loud mouth's turn. But that matter of time came all too soon. Although he could bare hanging out with him on occasion, Hidan never let an opportunity pass when it came to teasing him about something or trying to get him to convert to the way of Jashin. Most of the time he was almost just as annoying as Tobi.

After Kakuzu nearly chopped his legs off where they lay on the table, lecturing him again on how expensive it was, Hidan stood to approach the stage. 

"So, what's my challenge gonna be, eh? And don't even start with that weakness crap, cause I'm frickin’ invincible! I'm just doing this for fun, really—gah! Kakuzu, what the f*ck?!" Hidan rubbed the back of his head.

  
  


"Like hell, you're invincible. Listen to Pein-sama talk before I chop you into a thousand pieces." Kakuzu's eyes lit up threateningly.

  
  


Pein nodded. "Nonsense. Everyone has a weakness, Hidan, an—”

“Even you?”

“...”

“.........”

“You will participate because you are no exception. I was just getting to your weakness so listen carefully. Though you do tremendous amounts for this organization—”

“Tremendous what now?” said Kakuzu.

“—You are simply more obnoxious than I would prefer. Which is a problem because you are not the best when it comes to paying attention."

"And what's that supposed to mean? You calling me a topsy-turvy dumbass or somethin'? I do pay attention."

"Do you?" Kakuzu interrupted. "I have a hard time believing that considering you're a complete blockhead during our missions. Always wanting to do things  _ your _ way and never listening to my strategies when they're the one thing that won't get you killed." Kakuzu's anger seemed to be mounting as he recalled his partner’s stupidity.

"Not to mention the time you destroyed a bounty that had over a  _ billion on its head _ ..."

"Oh what the hell ever, Kakuzu! What part of immortal don't you understand? I do what I need to do to get our missions done! And you don't even realize it ‘cuz of your f*ckin’ obsessive side hobby of money-hoarding. I do you a favor destroying those corpses.” He waved him off, leaving Kakuzu seething. "You're already goin' to hell, might as well earn a bit of mercy from Jashin, ya blasphemous—"

"Enough of this. Hidan, Kakuzu, I am not interested in hearing your quarrels. Moving right along. Kakuzu is somewhat right, Hidan. You lack attentiveness, and I don't want to hear it. Therefore, you and Deidara will face off in a trivia match. We will determine just how closely you claim to pay attention."

Hidan scoffed. "Trivia? What is this, an elementary school fundraiser? You must be jok— I can listen when I want to, I'm not a Jashin-damned idiot, ya know.’’ He cast Deidara a side glance and smirked. "But beating little Deidara-chan over there is worth these stupid challenges. It should be easy, too. Even getting his ass handed to him by Tobi of all people and what not."

"What was that, you bastard?!" Deidara shot up from the couch, fists shaking at his sides. "I wouldn't talk. For someone who gets their head chopped off daily, you sure do have a big mouth, hm! Better watch it before I blow it off!" That was it. There was no way he was going to let this cocky imbecile beat him. Besides, if he had anything else he knew he had his brains going for him. He was always attentive and known for his quick mind and calculations on the battlefield.

Konan spoke before Hidan could yell his retort. "The answers to these trivia questions are ones you all should already be familiar with. These pieces of info were required of you before you were able to join this organization. If you wish to win, you must be able to remember the things you were told from the very beginning."

Suddenly, the memory of taking a twenty question paper test on scantrons before he became a full fledged member crossed the artist's mind. Though he hadn’t been too excited about the supposedly 'very important' questions back then, he was glad they’d help him out now. 

Konan did a jutsu and a long, decorative table appeared on stage. A sparkly, black chair occupied either end of the table which also held two shiny dinging bells, one for each person.

"Get on stage and prepare for the challenge." 

Deidara took a deep breath and stood from the couch, but a cool hand grabbed his wrist.

"Hey, kid. Don't be down in the dumps. I know this hasn't been your best week, but if you focus, I know you'll win this time." Kisame gave Deidara a reassuring nod, and for once, Deidara actually appreciated someone within the organization. He cast Kisame a smirk before walking over to the table on the stage and took a seat in his chair.

"Ya know, it's a shame, really. Jashin's a bit offended that his servant is doing something as... _ trivial _ as trivia for a challenge. Ridiculous." Hidan seemed too amused by his own terrible pun. "But whatever. Long as I win."

Pein stepped up onto the stage and went over to his podium sitting on the side of the stage so Hidan and Deidara could be seen. "I will be the one asking the questions. You must not ring the bell until I have gotten the complete question out. Konan will be the ref and call who rang the bell first. If you get a question wrong, the point goes to your opponent. Of course, the winner is the one with twenty points first, and whoever loses will pay the penalty, understood?" 

"Good," Konan said, switching off the lights. The whole room got dark, the only lights were on the two facing each other on the stage. Soft trivia music played in the background "This challenge starts... now."

"Question one:" Pein held a small stack of trivia cards in his hand. "What was the name of Kisame's first goldfish?"

Deidara's brain snapped to attention.  _ That _ was what the questions were about. Now he remembered... but he didn't remember the answer. Hidan slammed his hand down hard on his bell.

"Easy. It was frickin’ Kisa-Junior! What a joke, seriously." Hidan leaned back smoothly as strobe lights flashed on him in response to his answer.

"That's correct,” Konan said with absolutely no zeal in her voice.

"That's two points for Hidan." As Pein spoke, the number two popped up on his score board.

"I always loved that little fellow..." Kisame whispered to himself with a nostalgic look in his watery eyes.

"Question number two: when is Itachi's birthday?"

DING DING!

"Hidan," Konan called.

"What kinda question is that? The weasel was born on June 9th." He threw his arms behind his head again. The strobe lights hit him again.

"Correct. That's two more points for Hidan."

"I'm flattered," Itachi said from the wall he leaned against. He was obviously at least a bit impressed as well as some of the other members.

"Is that all the damn questions you've got? I can do this thing half asleep!" 

Deidara threw him a shocked glance before it was replaced by a scoff. Tch- as if he would take the time to remember the stupid Uchiha's birthday of all things. That was the only reason Hidan got that question. 

Pein brought the note cards closer to his face. "This is a bonus question, which means extra points if answered correctly so listen closely. Question number three: what is Tobi's favorite color?"

The artist slapped his hand down on the silver bell. "Deidara."

"Baby pink, hm!" he blurted. He was rewarded with the blinding strobe lights.

"Senpai, you know me so weeellllll!" Tobi cried, sounding very touched. He looked like he was about ready to dive on stage and glomp his senpai but was stopped by Deidara's warning death glance.

"That's five points for Deidara." The bright number appeared on his score board. "Now it's Hidan with four and Deidara with five in the lead." Konan still sounded anything but like an excited announcer.

"Take that Hidan, hm.” If there was anything Deidara knew in this pool of questions, it was going to be Tobi's favorite color. After all the hours they'd spent together on missions, the masked man had made sure that piece of important info was crammed into the artist's head. As well as his favorite food, his favorite book, and his favorite song.

"Big deal, Dei-chan," Hidan sneered. "One lucky guess from a pooper scoopin' question like that ain't gonna get you anywhere. Don't get ahead of yourself." He fiddled with his necklace.

Whatever. Deidara knew Hidan was just getting nervous. At this point he was already in the lead, and he was planning on staying there. Only fifteen more points to go.

"This question is an even bigger bonus. Question number four: how old was Sasori when he made the switch to his puppet body?" Deidara slammed his hand down on the bell so hard it ached. 

"It's simple! He was seventeen-AGH!" He nearly collapsed to the floor, covering his ears at the sound of a screeching siren filled them. Red flashed over his form.

"Incorrect." Sasori shook his head. "What a shame, Brat. I thought you of all people would know."

"Sasori was actually seventeen and two and a half days when he made the switch, Deidara," Konan corrected.

"That's ten points deducted from Deidara, two points for Hidan," Pein announced. "Unfor-"

"What?!?!" Deidara's eyes nearly bulged from their sockets as he watched his precious five points evaporate from his scoreboard to negative five. "How the hell is that fair, hm! I got one question wrong! One QUESTION!"

"Deidara. Sasori is your partner. Incorrect answers concerning your closest teammate leads to bonus deduction. Do. Not. Argue with me."

"Heh! Suck on that, Deidara! Rules are rules!" Hidan ignored Deidara's murderous expression, sticking his tongue out at him. "Lord Jashin never leaves my side! I bet the flavor's pretty tasty, huh?"

"Enough, Hidan.”

The jashinist reluctantly sat back down with a teasing expression still on his face. 

"Now, this is an ultra bonus question, and the hardest by far. I would advise you not to get this one wrong... Or else," The leader cleared his throat before continuing. "Question number five: what is my favorite ice cream flavor?"

"Wha?" 

D-D-D-DIII—! DING! D-DIING, DING!  _ BRING _ -DING!  _ Brrrrrrr _ -DING! DI-DI-DI-DAH BRING-DAH-DING!-BRING! BRING-DAH-FLIPPING-DING-DII-!

"OKAY, Hidan!" Konan nearly shouted, sounding annoyed at how much the man was smacking the bell as if his life depended on it.

Hidan looked on the verge of bursting from holding the answer in. "You gotta be fu- it's raspberry chocolate mint with a  _ touch _ of strawberry shortcake!"

Suddenly a fake guy's voice was blasting throughout the room " **WINNER!** **WINNER!** " Strobe lights flashed on the whooping Hidan who was jumping around and smacking his butt mockingly in Deidara's direction.

"That's sixteen points for Hidan," Pein announced. "Final score: twenty-two to negative five."

"How the—"

"He answered the ultra bonus question, Deidara. Do. Not. Start with me." Pein said, nearly pulverizing the blonde with his icy look. Deidara went silent.

"Hidan, you have proven to me that you do in fact, listen and have the full capacity to do so. You correctly answered the ultra bonus question, making you the victor of tonight's challenge." Pein fixed the jashinist with a rather haunting look. "Now, I would like to see that amount of attentiveness you displayed tonight at all times from now on. It’d be nice to start getting better reports from Kakuzu concerning your behavior. If that weren't to happen, I'm afraid that would be a major problem. Understand?"

"Yeah, yeah." Hidan spun to face everyone. "What'd I tell you before, huh? I was never an idi-oat!" He turned to Kakuzu who was staring at him. "The hell did I tell you, ya old stinkin' fart? In your face, dammit!” Hidan puffed out his chest with a grin. 

"I saw everything, Hidan. And now that I know you're not a complete moron, I'll make sure he isn't a further problem on our missions." Kakuzu gave Hidan two spine breaking smacks on the back.

"Well Hidan, I've changed things up a bit today. Since you are tonight’s victor, you will choose the loser's penalty."

Hidan eyed Deidara. His lips slowly curled into the most malicious grin known to man. "Well, Pein-in-the-a$$, I have the perfect suggestion. Blondie will absolutely love it. I—"

"Don't. You. Dare,” Deidara said, twitching dangerously, voice nothing but a horrifying whisper.

Hidan didn't listen.

Deidara lost it.

And just for a second, in the heat of that moment, hearing Hidan's agonized screams and curses as he was blown into a thousand chunks along with pieces of rock, metal, and brick, and seeing the other member's panicked fleeing as the headquarters crumbled right before his eyes... was almost totally worth Pein's wrath. Almost.


	5. PATIENCE

"Deidara, I swear to lord Jashin! Hey- Just how the hell do you think you're handlin' me, huh?!"

"How about you shut your mouth and listen to me, hm! Why-"

"Oh no, no, you listen to me Dei-Chan, I am not in the f*ckin mood, and—so help me-! Hey, hey, I'm slipping, I'm slipping!"

"Shut up, Hidan.”

"If you give me a f*cking concussion from droppin me, just watch, I'm gonna sacrifice your heathen ass to Jashin-sama in the most excruciating way known to man! Sacrifice you completely dry—I'll do it! Ya hear me?! And for frick’s sake, you could at least make your grip a little tighter, dammit!"

"Oh you want it tighter, hm?! Cool, I'll make it tighter!" Deidara decided to 'try out' a different way to hold on, making his grip so tight around his new 'handle' that his knuckles turned white.

"AHH—not that tight—F*CK YOU! F*CK. YOOOUUUU!! WATCH THE HAIR, WATCH THE F*CKIN’ HAAAIIIR!" Hidan screeched with all he had, which... wasn't much.

In Deidara's possession was Hidan's head alone. It swung back and forth as Deidara held onto the Jashinist's locks like a purse strap, much to Hidan's disapproval. Ever since yesterday, after a rather...disturbing judgment courtesy of a certain god-leader, Deidara had been assigned by Pein to collect every piece of dismembered Hidan he could find scattered within the area. Fortunately for him, Zetsu had been able to detect a tremendous amount of the scattered body parts, and the artist had finally found the last piece of missing Hidan deep within the forest about five miles away from their base. Or rather, where their base used to be. Now Deidara's side mission was near complete, and they were on their way back to the others. 

**

"It's about time you returned, Brat." 

Deidara looked up from the tangle of undergrowth threatening to trip him as he emerged from the thicker part of the forest. He was now surrounded by the small makeshift camp the members had made their temporary home. Pein had adjusted the area into a small clearing for them all the previous night for obvious reasons. The clay artist was a little relived to see that things were still pretty much in tact. Though... something was a bit different. Deidara didn't exactly remember leaving their little camp earlier that morning with a whole bunch of... extra women and men scattered everywhere.

Yes. They were everywhere.

Deidara skimmed the camp, his eyes widening even more, if possible. There were several of them. More than twenty, to be exact. Deidara wondered if he'd finally lost it past the point of no return.

Sasori didn't seem to take notice or interest in Deidara's shock. As he approached, Deidara still paid him no mind, instead staring just behind the puppeteer. He watched the rest of the members speechlessly as they moved about the clearing. A ways away, Kisame sat on the ground, enjoying some leftover cooked rabbit from the previous night, a young man with dark red hair sat across from him, talking with him quietly. Itachi stood by a small pond, just finishing his wash up. He was shirtless, drying his sleek hair with a raggedy towel that a short-haired brunette had just given him. He didn't seem to notice her admirable expression as he shook out his hair. She giggled when some of the droplets hit her skin. Konan stood not too far, busy collecting more fire wood to begin preparing the lunch, another tall and slender lady with a pink sundress helped her out.

"Earth to brat." Sasori waved his arm in the artist's face, snapping him from his observations. "Would you like to explain what took you so long?” 

"I... I uuuhh..." Deidara looked back at Sasori, and his eyes widened when he noticed that they had some company. Hooked onto Sasori's left arm was a girl about Deidara's age. She had light purple hair and tanned Skin. She wore a white sundress as well. She was in Lala land, all her fascination seemed to be fixated on the puppet master as she stroked his wooden arm, ogling his features with wide dark eyes. She said nothing and Sasori did nothing to remove her. Deidara shook his head. "Danna, maybe you'd like to explain to me what the hell’s going on, yeah?"

Sasori ignored the question."You know how much of a nuisance it is to keep others waiting. Leader isn't exactly the happiest camper either, you brat. Literally. and because of that he's got us all on edge, and— quit that, you woman!" Sasori growled, grabbing the girl's hand that ventured a bit too far, now playing with his hair. The girl stepped back from Sasori, pouting.

"Awww! But why can't I touch your beautiful hair, Sasori-kun? It could use a bit of fixing if you ask me..." Her bottom lip trembled. Sasori sighed and cast the girl a meaningful look.

"Look… In just a minute, Loki. Meet me behind our tree in five minutes." Sasori rose his eyebrows. Loki squealed in delight, nodding excitedly as she ran over to their private meeting tree.

“I’ll go get the combs!” she cried.

Sasori looked at Deidara before pausing to glance over his shoulder, almost as if he were paranoid before he leaned in closer to him, voice lowering to an urgent whisper. 

"Now, listen, and listen closely, Deidara. I really came over here to warn you. You can see that Pein is losing his hinges just by looking at our new 'company'. I don't know what the hell he's planning for the challenge today, but there's only a matter of time before he blows."

Sasori paused. Another subtle glance back. He spoke faster. "No one but Pein knows where these women and men came from or what he did to make them so interested in sticking around. Any normal human being would be running for their lives if they were even five miles away from us. If you want to live, treat them nicely. Just know that these petty challenges will be over the quicker you cooperate. If you don't, we're all going to die.”

Sasori looked down at the head in Deidara's bloody hands. "Or we'll end up like this imbecile… which is simply unacceptable."

"Hey, hey! I can still f*ckin hear you, ya puppet-suckin' Pinocchio brain! Still down here bleeding profusely, Jashin-dammit!" Hidan bellowed below. 

"Kakuzu's over there. He's been waiting for you," the redhead said, pointing over to Kakuzu who was on a bloodied picnic blanket surrounded by the rest of Hidan's body parts.

As Deidara made his way across their camp to meet Kakuzu, he felt a tingling rush up his spine. Mid-stride, he turned to cast a glance behind him and nearly jumped out of his skin to see a certain ginger-haired man eyeing him eerily from across the clearing. His face was serene as usual. He sat on a log more than ninety feet away. But even from that distance, the soul-piercing effect of his rinnegan was not dulled in the slightest. It seemed the murderous aura gained from yesterday's explosive events still hadn't left him, and Deidara wasn't the only one who could sense it. Every member seemed to be keeping their distance as they went on about their business.

Pein's eyes did not leave Deidara's as he stood from his log. His deep voice spread calmly from where he stood. "Now that Deidara has returned, our next challenge shall start in just a while."

**

Everyone sat on mossy logs gathered in the center of the clearing. Pein stood in front of everyone. Every eye on him, every ear listening to his speech. Well, at least trying to listen. 

"…And so, that is why we will be continuing these challenges today. They must, and will, go on. Am I clear. No amount of outrage, no amount of complaint, no amount of explo-"

"AGH! Watch it, Kakuzu!"

Pein paused for a moment, staring ahead, blank expression unchanged. After it was silent again, he resumed. "...Yes. And so that is why I declare that our challenges will indee-"

"GAAH! JASHIN F*CKIN' SON OF A-!"

"Hidan," Kakuzu said through gritted teeth as Pein halted once again. The two were in the very back of the bundle, Kakuzu still stitching his partner up for, most likely, the fifty-sixth time in his life. Everyone cringed at Hidan's earsplitting outcries. "Stop being a baby."

"Eh?! How the f*ck would you like getting your leg reattached to your hip bone and feeling every little nerve, you old, blasphemous, ugly, smelly bastard!"

Pein cleared his throat. "Kakuzu, perhaps it would be best if you would remove Hidan and yourself from this meeting until you have completed your task." 

Kakuzu huffed and stomped off deeper into the forest, carrying a mangled and screaming Hidan along with him. Deidara couldn't help but smirk.

Silence ensued for a few seconds longer, until—

"Pardon me, Leader," a familiar blue shark man spoke up from the cluster. "but isn't this a bit... arbitrary?" Kisame said quietly. He wore a look of deep dread. Deidara was certain this day was meant to spite him.

"Kisame, don't say such nonsense. Once again, you know everything I do is absolutely necessary." 

The men and women hadn't left, and they flanked Pein professionally on either side, Konan the first one on his left. All the members remained quiet, very few of them were eager to get the scoop on the day's second to last challenge.

"B-but I would hardly call a—" Pein held up a hand to silence the flustered man. Kisame opened and shut his mouth repeatedly.

"I'd advise you to quit your objections, Kisame. Your weakness has brought this upon itself." Pein glanced at his partner. "Allow Konan to explain."

"Now, listen Kisame," Konan said, holding her trusty challenge clipboard. "Your challenge today calls for the most extreme measures because it is one of the worst weaknesses to have. That weakness is insecurity."

"Which is where I'd have to disagree. Just where did you pick up that I have insecurities? I have no—”

"Kisame, I catch you almost every night in the bathroom mirror of the base staring at your reflection with uncertainty." Konan paused as Kisame closed his mouth again, blushing. Deidara stared at his gilled friend. Kisame was the last one he'd expect to have doubts about himself.

"Alright, you got me," Kisame said harshly. "How could you be the most confident in the world when you've got skin and gills like a shark?" He sighed, looking down at the dirt. "Pointy teeth... blue hair. I look nothing but a clown." All the young women gasped. Deidara rolled his eyes when he saw them trying to hold back tears for Kisame.

"We are all here for you Kisame,” Konan said in an almost sympathetic tone. "Insecurity is a terrible thing to have as a shinobi, as it can be a fatal distraction if you aren't sure about yourself in any regard during missions."

"And that is why your challenge will be competing against Deidara in our first ever beauty pageant,” Pein said for the second time that day. Hearing it again didn't make it sound any more appealing to the two contestants in any sense of the word.

"As you can now guess, these young men and women aren't just here to meander our campsite all day." Kisame eyed them wearily as each one of them smiled, waved, or winked at him. "They will aid us in today's challenge mightily. Each one of them is a certified, S-rank beauty pageant judge, and they have all agreed to help us out today. Understood?"

The shark Shinobi twitched.


	6. INSECURITY

"Senpai. Senpai!" There was knocking. Deidara ignored it. He stared at the reflection staring back at him. He wasn't doing this. He just wasn't.

"Deidara-Senpai, I know you're in there!" More banging on the door.

_ Come on, you've got this in the bag. It's all you...hm. _

"Everyone's waiting! Pein-sama is waiting for you."

No. He wasn't doing this. Just wasn't going to happen. Let Pein kill him. He was done with wearing the name tag of the Akatsuki Joke. No amount of anything was going to stop him from changing his mind.

"Go away Tobi."

"Are you ready yet?" A few more bangs on the door of the small dressing room Deidara stood in, refusing to take his eyes from the brightly glowing mirror he stared into. There was a sigh that sounded through the door, and before the blonde could blink an eye, through the mirror he saw the masked man phase through the door like it was nothing and his hands were grasping the artist’s shoulders to whirl him around. Tobi practically squealed.

"Oh my... Oh my gosh!" He sounded like he was holding back tears. He looked over his Senpai who was clad in his first outfit for the pageant: A simple yet elegant suit that was so white, it glowed like fresh snow. He also wore a blue tie that was topped with sparkling silver ninja emeralds that were near blinding; an accessory provided by the pageant helpers. Not exactly his taste. He wore fancy black loafers, and his hair was especially combed to perfection. He wore no hitai-ate, giving him an even more sophisticated look. "S-Senpai... You... Well I mean you look so..."

Deidara smacked his hands away, glaring. "If you even try saying it, I pro-"

" _ Gorgeous! _ " Tobi struck a trendy pose that would've made Itachi go blind before yanking Deidara from his dressing room, causing Deidara to nearly smack his face into the door frame as he dragged him out.

There was an enormous stage that sat in the middle of their clearing. It was rather glamorous with the whole thing a waxed and glimmering red. A silver mic stand downstage center. There were thick black curtains flanking either side of the pageant stage along with two life-sized stereos. Beyond the stage were over forty chairs in rows, all set for the audience. Most of the members were sitting there in the front rows with some of the women and men as well. There were bouquets and Akatsuki decorations littered all over the grassy plain. Everyone had been helping out to get things set up.

"Our seats are right over here, Senpai, it's time to start." Tobi pulled him over to the already packed audience seats, everyone staring at them. "You're not supposed to go up there yet, but I'm so excited!"

"You idiot, I know how to get to a chair!" Deidara plopped himself into one of the very back seats. Most of the audience's eyes never left him but turned to look at him with wide orbs. "What are you all looking at? Turn the hell back around, hm!" Everyone obliged. 

The stupid challenge hadn't even started yet and it was already grating on his nerves the most. He was never very insecure about his appearance, but dressing up for show and competition like this was never his thing. Nor would he ever find himself wearing anything as sparkly and ridiculous as a pageant suit anyway. Not to mention how itchy the thing was.

"Attention everyone," There was noise coming from the stereos. All the chatter and murmur went down as Pein stood on the stage tapping the mic. A familiar woman with purple hair and tan skin stood next to him in a black dress. A thought suddenly crossed Deidara's mind in how their secret camp hadn't been spotted by anyone despite all the noise and bustle going on. He almost wished they would be caught. Well, it'd be worth avoiding this whole thing.

"Can I have your attention please. We do not have all day, and preparation for this challenge has already taken long as it is." Pein’s voice spread perfectly over the clearing. “Thank you. Before we start I would like to thank all these young women and men in helping us with this pageant. It would've been... less than decent. Now Loki has a few words for us before we begin." 

Loki nearly snatched the mic from Pein’s hand.

"You can hear me? Okay.  _ Hi _ , Sasori-kun!" She yelled, fan-girl like. Sasori acted like he didn't know her where he sat in the second row in the audience. His hair was combed sophisticatedly back as he looked over at a very interesting tree to his left. Loki cleared her throat trying to pull herself together. "Oh yeah. Back to business. Now, I present to you... The very first...!" Pein stopped Loki and briefly whispered something in her ear. She nodded. "... And the last ever! Akatsuki Beauty Paaaaaageant!"

No one clapped, save the other helpers and Tobi, who was instantly silenced after receiving a near fatal blow to the back of the head by a certain artist. Loki went on. "As you know, I'm your host, Loki, and today's judges will be... Konan, Sopia, and Romeji!" Loki pointed to the judges who sat behind the judge stand a few feet away from the audience. All three of them turned to wave at the crowd.

"Okay, so today we only have two contestants." Loki's eyes scanned the crowd looking for the two. "It's about time we introduce them, don'tcha think? Where are they anyway?"

"Oh! Oh, ah! Oh! Ah! Senpai-"

"Shut  _ up _ , you idiot of a monkey!" Deidara hissed, sinking deeper in his chair instinctively. A part of him was surprised he was acting this way. He was far from a shy person. But something about the way Loki was standing up there expectantly made his stomach do cartwheels.

"But she's talking about you Senpai! Go on, get on up there!" Before Deidara knew it he was being shoved up to the stage by the masked man.

"Oh, alright!" Loki said as Deidara stumbled on stage, whirling around to give Tobi the I'm-gonna-kill-you-so-hard-when-this-is-over look, only to be enveloped in a bone-crushing hug before Tobi bounded off stage. Loki was right on Deidara before he could take another breath.

"I'm so glad you could make it, um...?" Loki shoved the mic into the blonde's face.

"Deidara, hm," he said flatly.

"Deidara! And look at you with your hotness and all! Here to burn the competition, huh?"

"Sure am... yeah," Deidara muttered, holding back his glare. He remembered Sasori's advice. It was best he stayed nice to all the helpers. The ones who would determine the winner of this disaster.

"And speaking of competition... here he comes!" 

A very stiff Kisame was being slowly walked on stage with Itachi holding his back. He wore a dark purple tuxedo with sleek black pants and a blazer. His loafers screamed bling. They were covered in a sheen of sparkles. His hair was slicked back almost resembling Hidan's, and he even wore a diamond chain with the Akatsuki emblem. 

Loki sprang over to him. "Why don'tcha look at you, you're absolutely dazzling this evening! Why don't you introduce yourself to the crow—"

"Oh,  _ no, _ no, why don't— _ haha _ , eh— yes. I-Indeed, let's j-just, er, skip—heh— the i-introductions and just get on—" Kisame stopped to suck in a gasping breath as if he were struggling not to hyperventilate. He seemed to be getting all the more nervous as he skimmed the quiet crowd. Itachi began patting his back again, handing the shark man a brown paper bag. Kisame took it, breathing into it furiously.

Loki sweat dropped. "Um... A little uncomfortable l see, but don't worry at all. This will all be over, and in no time. Just focus on winning and you'll turn out all good. Just let me explain the rules and we'll start, cool?" Kisame barely seemed to be paying attention as he was sweating like never before, focused solely on trying to keep the weasel from exiting the stage.

"Itachi-san," he whispered. "Perhaps you could stay up here..." Itachi shook his head with the slightest of movement.

"Kisame."

"But Itachi-san."

“Kisame.”

“B-but, I implore you—”

"Kisame," Itachi said as everyone stared. "It is my duty to leave." The Uchiha pulled on his arm as politely as he could when razor sharp nails were digging into it desperately. Kisame wasn't having any of it.

"Heh-heh— _ Itachi _ ..." He pleaded holding onto the weasel's arm for dear life. "Please don't leave me up here alone."

Itachi sighed."Kisame." Sharingan began spinning."I won't say it again." Kisame gave up on his pleading look, taking a deep breath before sharing a prolonged glance with his teammate and releasing Itachi's arm. 

"Okay then... The rules should be easy enough to follow. For any normal pageant, we would usually hold at least three of what we call "round-challenges", but your leader has advised us to cut today's contest down due to the slim time. So, today we’ll only hold one round that will consist of a single activity. Now, keep in mind that pageants are not just about dressing up, but about what truly shines when we see you in action as well. The clothes are nice, but we really wanna see the person wearing them, if you know what I mean.” Loki cast both contestants meaningful looks.

"And Kisame-san," Loki said, looking at Kisame. "You are the main reason we are holding this. I want you to keep in mind that whether you win or lose, you still need to dig deep within and reach for that confidence that I know dwells down... well, somewhere inside you. Probably."

"I'll do my best,” Kisame said.

Loki smiled. "Of course, after everything is over, our judges, with the help of our beauty council, will be deciding the ultimate winner."

Deidara gave Kisame one little glance and was surprised to feel... pity wash over him? Throughout the few years he'd been in the Akatsuki, Kisame had always been one of his very true companions. But he’d show no mercy.

"Before we start, one more thing. Let us witness the Almighty Beauty Pageant Comradery Shake, and we’ll start!" Loki yelled into the mic, beaming at the two. They stared back at her confused. There was prolonged silence.

"For Jashin-sama's sake! The woman means SHAKE HANDS! How long could you sorry excuses for crap possibly drag this day on?! Let the damn pageant start already! I've been blown to shreds, pieced back together by the most  _ merciless _ heathen alive, sittin' out here in the hot sun all— _ DAAAGH _ ! LOOK—W-WATCH OUWAHAAAA—! W.T.FAAARRGGH! JHDFRJSKDIEMD—AHHH, SHIII—  _ KAKUZAAAAHH…!! _ " 

Loki screamed and Deidara ducked as Hidan's head went flying right over their heads, way over the pageant stage setup, past and over the horizon, and deep into the forest's unknown.

"Home run," Kakuzu muttered from where he sat in the audience next to the rest of Hidan’s body.

"Oh.” Kisame refused to look at the crowd as he extended his hand out to Deidara. "May the best man win." He tried to smile as terrified as he was. Deidara didn’t smile back. This was not a friendly stroll. This was war. But he still grabbed his hand. It was sweaty.

"May he, hm."

**

"Alright! Our first and only round for the Akatsuki Beauty pageant is called... A Shinobi's Fashion and Wonder...!" The crowd went wild.

Deidara stood in the wing of the stage, peeking his head out as he watched the audience go crazy. He was still irritated about the fact that he was forced to change out of the suit he was just wearing a few moments ago all for the purpose of this single round. His mind blocked out Loki's voice. This was it. Kisame already had a chunk of everyone's sympathy with his stupid insecurity. 

"...and so let's welcome our first contestant with his poppin' and bangin' style... Deidara!"

Deidara forced his legs to go forward as he made himself present on stage. Everyone silently took in his appearance. He wore... well, something worth remembering. A very silky, yet furry black coat with exotic peacock feathers sticking wildly from the back. The coat draped down past his knees, and he had on shining silver and leather leggings. He had a jazzy black hat with sassy blue sunglasses, and some... odd manly wedged shoes that made him about a foot and a half taller, and he wore a neat bun atop his head.

"Wooow..." a voice said from the audience.

Deidara gulped down his nerves, balling his fists with determination. He resumed his walk.

After a few more awkward seconds, people began cheering from their seats. Suddenly the butterflies within him began to fly away, and Deidara found himself adding a bit of spring and spice to his step. The crowd grew louder as he made his way down the runway.

"Yeah! You go Senpai! Work it, work it Deidara— that's my Senpai, everyone! He looks so FABULOUS!"

"And he's off, folks. Look at him! He's decided to go with the bad and mysterious look, showing off his inner volatile vibe!" Loki screamed the words so intensely she was sweating as she took in the artist’s look.

Soon Deidara was owning the stage as he walked up to the very front. Before he even knew what he was doing, he hit a pose which was in fact one hundred percent manly in every way. Loki continued talking about all things Deidara.

"He enjoys blowing things up, some things exploding, explosive bakudan, an—ah!"

"I've got it from here, hm." Deidara smirked with Loki's mic in hand. "Now, I like  _ all _ things exploding— let's get that straight, yeah. I enjoy collecting clay for my masterpieces— and not to mention I love cruising on my beautiful creations during a cool summer breeze." Deidara flashed a grin and the crowd went crazy screaming his name, only boosting his confidence.

Deidara held onto the mic and began nearly strutting back and forth at the front of the stage showing off his outfit and glam. He was so caught up in the moment, heart pounding in his chest. Everyone loved him. He was burning the place down. 

Deidara kept up his trotting, soaking in the sunlight. He felt the need to continue speaking. "That's me, Deidara, former ninja of Iwagakure, now of the Akatsuki. Vote me in as your win, hm!" He struck another pose, throwing his hands into the air like a true beauty king. The crowd grew louder, if that were even possible. "Make sure you meet me backstage too! And maybe I'll think about signing auto-AAHWHAA-!"

And.. just like that, his two seconds of fame were gone as quick as his beautiful art. There front stage went the artist crashing down. Rather ungracefully flat on his face. He lay there on his face, unmoved. Silence.

"It's okay Deidara, just... Keep it moving!" Konan said. The two judges beside her barely contained themselves.

The blonde got to his feet in a blind rage, face as hot as an erupting microwave oven. "WHAT THE FRICK IS,  _ IS-! _ " he grabbed the slimy culprit that was sliding down his face. He could not cease his sputtering as he held the cause of his humiliation, eyes bulging at the crowd.

"Deidara..." Pein said calmly from where he'd gotten a hold of Konan's judge mic. "Just throw the banana peel in the trash, and cont—"

"No! Are you f*cking kidding me, hm?! How the hell does a damn banana peel end up in the middle of the stage!? Tell me!! How does it?! HOOW?!" Deidara bellowed, spit flying everywhere and pelting people bullseye, right in the eye. "Someone put it there!" There was dead silence as Deidara's eyes continued to spew imaginary fire at the audience. 

"Deidara, you'd really ought to calm down—"

"You all think this is funny don't you, hm? Ohho, I know what's really funny. It's all-a you weaklings’ warm blood and fresh guts sliding soothingly down my face, in between my fingers as I watch your pathetic selves combust into a work of art, now that's truly hilarious!" A twisted smile stretched his lips as the crowd went dead silent after those words. The smile turned to a sneer once he caught Pein's murderous glare, however.

"Deidara. That. Is. E. Nuff."

"You... You just, gaah!" Deidara dropped the mic. Everyone winced as it crashed to the stage making an ear splitting noise. The artist tried to keep hold of the little sanity he had left. Fighting the urge to cry and scream and blow the whole place down, including the banana peel and whoever invented the banana peel. But since he wished to keep his head another day, he settled for smashing his hands together in a repeated violent clapping motion while making exploding noises like a child explaining an explosion dream. “* _ krr pew—krrr chhuuurrr—krr tffff— piissh! _ *” He did this while everyone just stared at him for several horrified moments until finally, he was dragged off stage by Kakuzu. 

“Your turn, Kisame,” said an announcer.

Kisame sucked in a shuddering breath before his eyes glazed over with something unrecognizable. He stood. "Alright." 

"And now presenting...Kisame Hoshigaki!"

KIsame came right on cue. Deidara had to admit he was a bit surprised by how in style the blue man was. His hair was still slicked back, but he wore a green and silky suit that was made for disco dancing. He wore chunky, white dancing shoes that could only look fashionable on the shark man. He also wore a black bowtie made with fabric so beautiful, it had glimmer and shine to it without a single jewel.

"This Hoshigaki is one true blue fellow! He may be a bit shy, but he'll definitely  _ submerge _ you into real conversation once you get him started!" Loki's voice boomed through the stereos. The crowd seemed to be going wild for Kisame just as much as for the blonde. Deidara looked on, his eyes narrowing as he watched Kisame walking down to center stage. Watched as he whirled around striking a... quite stylish pose before pivoting around with a head turn that any diva would envy.

As Kisame began waltzing back towards the back of the stage where Deidara sat, he caught sight of Kisame's wide shark grin and flashing eyes. From that point on, Deidara knew something wasn't right. Kisame... He actually looked... confident. Deidara shook his head to snap himself out of it. Kisame was good, but…

"Wow, and he's going for it, ladies and gentleman! It appears Kisame-san has started something he just can't stop, and now he's off like a true shark-diva!" Loki cheered, as Kisame was making his round again, steadily getting closer to his and Deidara's seats, his toothy grin faltered after making eye contact with the bomber.

Loki looked over at Deidara. "And at this rate, Deidara is surely falling behind!"

Deidara sprang to his feet. He was tired of this same thing happening over, and over again. If the shark Shinobi was going to end up winning, he wasn’t going to be there to see it. As he turned to make his unruly exit off stage from the front, he did so just in time to collide painfully into the glamorous blue man. They smacked into each other pretty hard, but didn't fall.

"Sorry about that Deidara," Kisame murmured and brushed past the blonde who glared after him. The crowd kept up their zeal. Stupid seemingly insecure shark people and their secret talent for wiping the floor with other beauty pageant contestants...

And that's when he noticed. A tiny blue marble-looking dot that was right where the two had bumped into each other just moments before. Deidara stared down at it, then glanced back up at Kisame who suddenly seemed to be uncertain about his movements in front of the crowd. He hesitated before striking a... pose that's better left unmentioned. The charisma was suddenly gone. Deidara scrutinized the little thing. He picked it up...realized it was an earpiece, and placed it in his ear.

  
  


" _... And... strut and strike, and strut and strike, and strut and strike, and strut! Come on, you're faltering, Kisame. What's going on? Pull it back together at once. You can't afford to lose this challenge, am I wrong? _ "

Deidara gaped so wide, his jaw practically locked in place from where he stood. Kisame had turned around again, now facing the blonde from where he stood at the front and center of the stage, frozen in time. Even from that distance, Deidara could see the horror on Kisame's face. He walked back to the front as well, looking out at the voice hidden in the crowd. The voice went on.

" _ The banana peel was a rather excellent plan at its finest, and now you've still got the better of this challenge. It would be in your best interest to keep this up, Kisame…”  _ There was a pause. _ "Kisame? Come in. Do you read me? Kisame, why have you ceased in your movements? May I ask why you are staring at Deidara with terror? And I am confused as to why Deidara is glaring at me like he wants to shove a... Oh. Hello, Deidara. _ "

Deidara had never seen Itachi look so busted in his entire life. He sat in the second row with a dango in hand. A fake looking dango. A  _ plastic _ dango that he'd been talking into. The fools. They'd been using the all new ultra-mega-dango-walkie-talkie spy kit.

"YOU F*CKING CHEATERS, HM!"

"Eh, w-wait! Itachi-san!" Kisame cried after Itachi as the crowd erupted in murmurs. Deidara looked just in time to see the Uchiha as he flung his plastic dango towards a nearby tree, ripped off his shades and fake mustache, did a few hand signs, and was gone in a flurry of black feathers.

"Now, everyone, silence right now," Pein ordered as the crowd settled down, Loki who stood on the side of the stage looked both offended and amused. Pein went on. "Enough. I saw everything. Kisame, why would you and Itachi do such a thing?"

"Hey, now hold on—"

"What just happened is what I'd like to—”

"This is an outrage! The angry yellow-haired hippie is right, he  _ did _ cheat!"

Everyone caught on and looked to Kisame with disappointment and Kisame was left to stand on stage in his shame. Soon Konan tapped her mic.

"Kisame, what do you have to say for yourself?"

Silence ensued once more and a serene look fell over the shark nin's face as all eyes fell upon him. "Listen everyone," he started. "I've made a bunch of mistakes in life. I've cheated, murdered, stole, farted and blamed it on a friend..." His eyes got a cloudy look, and Deidara was surprised by how firmly in place Kisame stood onstage, unwavering. "And I'm ashamed of what I've done... But I'd do it again. I've learned something truly valuable today. I've found that it's not just about the outer beauty, but it really matters what dwells within. My confidence isn’t in my outer shell, but It’s in the ruthless fighting spirit inside. My eyes have finally been opened." Faces softened in the crowd and Kisame smiled. "So although Itachi has abandoned me, I still thank him for encouraging me today and helping me realize the truth."

There were a few gasps of admiration and sniffles from the helpers. Deidara had to admit. Perhaps this cheat was for the best. With it, Kisame had found himself.

"That's... truly touching, Kisame,” one of the judges said softly through his mic. He smiled sadly. "But I'm sorry to say that you are still disqualified for your cheating."

"Yes. You have failed your challenge, Kisame," Pein emphasized. Kisame looked on unfazed.

"As expected.” He nodded.

"Wait a second...hm...that... That...that means I-I...", Deidara’s mouth grew dry. His heart stopped. He never thought he'd see the day. This time he was about ready to explode with joy.

"So that means it is time to announce the winner of the first and last ever Akatsuki Beauty Pageant," Loki said. Deidara practically skipped over to her, trying not to bounce on his toes. "And the winner of the Akatsuki Beauty Pageant..."

"Yes..."

"Is..."

"Say it already, hm!"

"Us."

Deidara turned his head just in time to see a glowing purple fist flying right at his face. 

"What the—" 

He flew back as Loki didn't cease her attack. She went for him again with blazing golden eyes. He sprang back further, trying his best to dodge it, but because of the initial shock and her lightning speed, he was a millisecond too late, and Loki grazed the side of his neck, making a tiny scratch. At that same moment, Itachi appeared out of nowhere and grabbed Loki from behind in a chokehold. But he was a second too late, as the damage had already been done. Though a small scratch wouldn't normally be a huge deal, something was terribly wrong, and Deidara soon came to find that out when overwhelming dizziness washed over him. It wasn't long before his whole body was tingling and his strength was draining rapidly. The weak sensation spread like wildfire. He dropped to his knees. He could barely make out the moving figures before him as his vision of the clearing blurred.

All that could be heard was crashing, corruption.

"ALL MIGHTY PUSH!"

"Pein!"

"WATER STYLE: DANCE OF A THOUSAND WATER DROPLETS!"

"Go!"

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING—”

"SHIKIGAMAI DANCE!"

"EARTH, WIND, AND FIRE, WIND, A-AND EARTH...AND FIRE—"

Deidara brought a shaky hand up to feel his neck that was already slicked with sweat and the scratch was throbbing violently. What was this? His whole body was on fire. He tried, but his chakra suddenly wouldn’t cooperate. 

He could sense how powerful her chakra was, even as she was currently being choked by the Uchiha that stood right over him. How did he fail to sense it before? It was almost as powerful as Kisame's, but there was something dangerously edgy about it. Something that made the hairs on his neck stand. It must have been suppressed before. Deidara could tell from the moment Loki attacked that if her chakra were to touch him even in the slightest, things would turn for the worst, and it appeared he was right.

"Y-you..." Deidara said, looking up at Loki who was struggling against Itachi in the chokehold. She still managed to smile.

"We are the winners, Deidara. You lose. All of you idiots. You fell right into our trap, just like the dummies you are!" Loki gasped for breath as Itachi's forearm tightened around her neck. "It's over, just give it up."

"Explain to us what is going on now, or I will no longer hold back." Itachi said near robotically.

Deidara was almost too weak to—

"Itachi," he rasped. Even as his vision grew worse by the second, he could still see Loki's glowing fingers that were gripping Itachi’s arm wrapped around her neck, the sharp chakra burned through his clothes. Itachi looked unfazed when he looked at Deidara, but the small tremors his body made and the sweat trailing down his face was very visible. He was holding on for as long as he could.

"Look around you!" Loki laughed bitterly, though it sounded more like a wheeze. The once decorative clearing was in complete turmoil. Chairs in disarray, tables and stands broken. Members... Kakuzu, Kisame... Even Konan. They were all on the field. Lying on the ground.

They must've been grazed.

But Sasori, Tobi and the others were not in sight at the moment.

"What have you done?" Itachi spoke again, his shaking intensified, he was getting weaker, but still strong enough to keep Loki in place.

Loki ignored the question much too enraptured by the horrific sight before her. "Dropping like flies, just as we planned! What a shame, the world's most feared organization falling to us like a bunch of weaklings. The big bad Akatsuki? So overrated."

"Why d-don't you try... saying that again, hm." Loki peered down at him as best she could with disgust.

"Are you stupid? It doesn't take a genius to figure out what's happened, and you know it yourself. Our chakra is all powerful, rivaling those of jinchuriki. Even the slightest contact with it is enough to make almost anyone a goner. Connect the dots sweetheart!"

"What I'm hearing is too much nonsense and not enough of what I need to know. Tell me right now how this can be stopped." Itachi's voice never lost its steady tone.

"Don't get your hair in a tangle, pretty boy, you'll find out soon enough all the answers you need to know. Go on, kill me if you wanna, I'll die, but you'll live to regret it, if you want to end up paralyzed for the rest of your life, that is!" 

“You’re bluffing.”

“Am I?” There was more silence. "Aww...d-don't feel so bad...At least you have someone to thank for this victory of ours. Your oh-so high and mighty leader. Ha, and look at him now."

Deidara looked over just in time to see Pein who was located right by the now totaled dressing booths. They lie in splintered pieces due to his previous almighty push. He'd used it in an attempt to take care of the handful of helpers that had come after him. Most of them were strewn in the pile of wreckage. His small success didn't stop the chakra's effect. Pein had been grazed, and in seconds, he was on the ground as well.

"Some god he is," Loki laughed. Deidara looked up again all to see Itachi fall to his knees as well. His time was out and he was dead to the world before his entire body even had time to make contact with the stage.

Deidara could no longer support himself, and his arms gave out. When he'd wished the organization would get caught, this wasn't exactly what he'd had in mind. The last thing he could sense was Loki's presence, as well as more women and men helpers as they gathered around him. He could barely hear Loki's giggling.

"The Akatsuki’s weakness? Utter stupidity."


	7. GULIBILITY

The place was dark. There was barely any light except the faint illumination from the candles on the walls. The air was thick, humid and chilly. There was creaking and the lone echo of dripping water. The sound of low coughing and ruffling clothes could be heard.

"...What in the name... of Jashin? Where are we?"

"Silence, Hidan," a voice ordered quietly. "Everyone stay calm."

"Well, well, well. Why don'tcha look at that. It seems the rats are starting to stir." 

A sinister voice rattled the atmosphere. It appeared all of the 'rats' had woken a little close to around the same time, Deidara being one of the last. His entire body tingled as he sat up like it does when one's foot is asleep. His eye lids throbbed. He was in some kind of cave, but was trapped in a cramped cell.

The rest of the members were with him. Kakuzu, Sasori, Tobi, Konan, Hidan... even in one piece. Pein, and everyone else except Zetsu. No one paid him attention though, as they all had their eyes on the owner of the taunting voice standing right outside the cell bars. A tan skinned woman with purple hair and dark eyes in a jumpsuit. 

"You!" Deidara stood. "You’ll wish I’d made you my masterpiece the moment we met once I get my hands on you!" After a second, Deidara was alarmed when he realized that his chakra system was not functioning normally, in fact it had been disrupted and his chakra could not be summoned. He had no weapons. He could barely sense the other members' chakra.

Loki laughed again. "Oh, how cute! I see you've still got a bit of a temper, boy. Don't worry, being hangry gets to me, too. It's feeding time for you all, anyway,” Loki mocked in a baby voice as two other women suddenly appeared with two purple trays that held some slimy meat substance, nine cups of... something, and a pyramid of black biscuit things. One of the women picked up a few and began throwing them at the members through the bars who broke out in an explosion of jeers and death threats.

"Loki. What do you really want? As leader of this organization, I demand to know what is going on." Pein dodged one last black biscuit, causing everyone to halt in their rampaging.

Loki and the other girls looked dumbfounded at Pein before bursting out laughing. It seemed like forever before they finally pulled themselves together. 

"Such nerve coming from the unbelievably gullible so-called leader who's responsible for his entire team’s capture,” a lady on Loki’s right said. Pein said nothing, seeming to ignore what had just been spoken. "But since we feel bad for you all... we've decided to let you in on a few little secrets..."

The shorter brunette on Loki's left cut in. "Yes we might as well let you all know that we work for Orochimaru. So surprising?" 

"Orochimaru?" Sasori said, staring straight ahead, a darkness draping over him.

"Just f*ckin’ great. You mean to tell me that that slitherin' snake bastard is behind all this crap?!" 

"Hold on." Pein took measured steps toward the bars of the cell.

"Pein,” Konan called from where she sat in the back of the cell, propped against the back wall. Pein did not turn to look into Konan's eyes. His fierce but powerless rinnegan pierced Loki.

"Now that we have been informed on who is really pulling the strings to this entire scheme, I would like to speak with Orochimaru.” 

"Well, what can I say?" Loki said, shrugging her shoulders after a moment. She looked between the two girls beside her. "I guess someone who's been through so much deserves to have that wish granted at least." Loki took a step back to get her snake master, but then she whirled back around and grabbed her face dramatically. Everyone froze as Loki... ripped... her face off to reveal the all too familiar features of the infamous snake sannin.

It was Orochimaru in the flesh.

Or perhaps, before, one could say it was Orochimaru….under….the flesh...

For about the third time that day, the cell erupted in shouts. 

"Did you miss me, everyone?" Orochimaru cooed, letting Loki's tattered face plop to the ground at his feet. He let out a chuckle as the light purple hair began to fade to black. He shook it out, ran his fingers through it.

"Orochimaru." Pein’s eyes narrowed.

"Pein-sama,” Orohimaru hissed.

"I normally hate waiting, but allow me to take in this moment to come to the realization that—" Sasori stopped. Everyone watched as he swayed slightly on his feet. He seemed to be fighting the urge to throw up though it was impossible anyway. His eyes had become wide as he clutched at his heart chamber for dear life. His mouth opening slowly. "I... I...  _ You _ ..."

"Sasori?" Deidara eyed Sasori’s slicked back hair, trying to prevent his partner from suffering a breakdown, but maybe he was a bit late. He'd never seen the puppet master in such shock before.

"Oh,  _ yes _ , Sasori, old friend. I'm afraid that  _ was _ me indeed." A sly grin stretched Orochimaru’s lips. "I'm sorry to have crushed your future plans with the only woman who has shown, or will ever show an interest in you your entire life." Orpchimaru smirked at his former partner who was speechless, an unreadable expression on his features. "Oh, don't feel too bad Sasori-kun.” He pulled out the comb from his pocket. “What we shared at our tree? It was very real. Fuffufufuuu."

Sasori's voice dripped with poison. "Why you..."

"Orochimaru, after all these years of prying your way into our organization, betraying a fellow member, and fleeing with trustworthy information, you dare to worm your way back in and interfere with us yet again. You are a disgrace,” said Pein.

"The audacity! How adorable that I'm hearing this from the largest disgrace I've seen in years. Just look at your team!" Orochimaru howled with laughter as he watched the rest of the members who stood or sat against the wall behind Pein. "You started this week long idiotic training to work on the weaknesses of the Akatsuki, but you've got the biggest weaknesses of all! Look at how gullible you are! Accepting a random stranger's request to aid you in your pitiful  _ challenges _ . Someone who you underestimated. You're a failure!"

The leader didn’t bat an eye. "I may have failed my team this once. But at least I haven't run away from my failure like you always do when you fail. Just like you did with the organization when you failed to pursue Itachi's body. At least I've learned from this failure of mine. Something you'll never do because you continue to run. That's what makes one such as yourself a true failure."

Anger flashed in the snake man's eyes before he smirked again. "You fool. We both know the only reason you haven't run from this embarrassment of yours is because you can't. You're trapped. You couldn't run even if you wanted to, and we are all fully aware of that. No matter.” He turned his back to the cell. "I'll be out of this organization's hair for a good while once I've done my thorough research on each one of you and have squeezed every last bit of information on the Akatsuki out of you all. One by one. I'll be back tomorrow. By then, the seals will have taken full effect...you’ll be frail as leaves. Fufufufuuu." With that, Orochimaru was gone, his chuckles the only evidence he’d been there.

Pein looked down at his wrist. Everyone did the same.

"So this is what..." Deidara took notice of the black snake-like seal that encircled his wrist like a tattoo. It occasionally glowed blue. After each glow, he felt gradually weaker. His strength and remaining chakra were being slowly sapped away. It wouldn't be long before the seal made everyone weak enough to the point that...

“Wait. Tobi, use your phase-thingy, hm.” Deidara turned to Tobi.

“Oh, that?” Tobi sighed, lifting his arm revealing the same seal. “I already tried. Barely any chakra left.”

Deidara’s brow twitched. “What? No you didn’t! I saw you not use it!”

“T-that’s because you were still out cold—”

“Don’t lie to me, Tobi!” Deidara growled marching at the man. “I’m sure you don’t need a crap ton of chakra to pull it off! Quit being a lazy $$hole!”

“No, hey—what are you? Senpai, STOP—AH—S-SEN— _ AAGH _ —PAIII!!” Thus pained cries and screams came from the man as he was smashed repeatedly against the bars of the cell by the unhinged artist. It took a moment for Kisame to finally manage to pry him off of the taller ninja. There was a moment of silence as Tobi wept in the corner.

"...Alright, listen up everyone." Pein turned to face his followers. "If we want to make it out of here alive, we must act now. I can tell that we've already been here for more than a day, and we do not have much time left. We’ve already lost too much chakra to perform any of our jutsu, and we are already nearly as—"

"Get to the point already! Not doin' anything but gettin' weaker over here, and I don't die! When all-a you heathens meet your deserved demise, I'll be stuck here till' the snake is done with his fun of poking n proddin' at me, and that'll be forever!"

Aln exhausted Kakuzu settled for glowering at Hidan this time. Perhaps they should just leave him...

Pein didn’t respond. 

_ Heh, serves him right, hm. Let him finally suffer for all the pain he's put me through this week _ , Deidara thought.

“A plan needs to be put in place,” Pein finally said.

"So... What’s the plan then, Pein-sama?" Tobi asked from the corner.

Pein looked at him. "I could have sworn I said 'a plan needs to be put in place’, meaning that there has not yet been a plan formed, and so therefore, at this current point in time, there is no plan. But I guess I didn't make myself clear enough, so I apologize," Pein said. It wasn’t an apology. 

"Ha! This was all a waste of time. We’re screwed." Hidan kicked the side wall of the cell.

"...I... believe Hidan's right, Leader," Kisame dared to speak his mind from where he lay on the stone ground. "This entire idea of yours to strengthen our weaknesses this week. I can see how it may've bolstered our confidence a bit, but at the end of the day, has this training really come to anything? Maybe this whole thing was worthless after all.”

There was silence as everyone took in Kisame's words. 

"I can’t take it anymore.” Tobi stood up. "I can't believe how quickly you’ve all forgotten!" He strode over to the bump in the center of the cell, stepping onto the lump that made him about a half inch taller, but to him, it made all the difference. "First of all, we’re the Akatsuki. The most feared organization in the ninja world. Yeah, we might die, but if we think about it, we've been through much worse, am I right?"

"Well… no. This is by far the worst," Kakuzu said.

"Love the enthusiasm!" Tobi nodded, happy to have someone on his side.

‘Wait...didn’t you...face the first Hokage once?’’ Kisame asked.

“That is currently irrelevant.”

"Listen guys! I know most of you may think this entire week’s all been for nothing, but think about it. No one can honestly say we haven't become stronger in some type of way!"

"Speak for yourself, Tobi, hm." 

"If it weren't for those challenges, Itachi wouldn't've gotten over his stoicy-ness, and— well, at least some of it."

"Yes. I suppose you're right, Tobi," Itachi said from a ratty futon. 

"A-and I wouldn't've gained the lethal aggression I have today! And—"

"Give me a break,” Deidara growled. “If you call what you did  _ lethal aggression _ , then—”

“Senpai, you don’t remember? I could remind you how lethal it was—”

“Oh, come to think of it, that was actually lethal enough, yup, nah, no reminders needed, nope, all good, hm,” Deidara said hurriedly. 

"You know what, Tobi? I think you've just given me an idea." Pein looked around slowly at everyone. There was something very similar to determination in his eyes. "Everyone. Let us prepare our escape."

**

"I want you to stay on the lookout. Stay on your guard.’

"Yeah, I've got it already," Sasori said in his lazy tone as he sat leaning against the cell's bars. When he heard the footsteps ascending from the hall, the footsteps they'd all been waiting for for hours, his half-lidded eyes met Pein's. It was time.

"Time for your dinner you little... worms...?" A woman carrying the Akatsuki's next meal was having trouble forming words as she heard the rather angelic voice of a certain red-headed puppet. He was singing a soft melody that sounded like a mix between a love song and a lullaby.

" _ When I looked into the corner, there was something on my mind... When I glanced upon the moonlight, I saw you in my sky. A blood red sky... _ " His eyes were heavy on the woman as he continued. " _ I'm blinded by the droplets, and I can no longer see. The death I cringe away from is now consuming me... _ " The more he sang, the closer she came to the bars. It was almost as if his melody was hypnotic and it wasn't long before she was nearly pressed up against the metal. Sasori stopped.

"How... How did you learn to sing like that? Your voice...isn’t bad." The woman couldn’t hide how impressed she was.

Sasori blinked before breaking their prolonged stare. His face for once took on a look that resembled a true human being's. Though no one but the woman could see it since his back was turned to everyone else, his face morphed into a concerned expression. "I appreciate your admiration, but unfortunately this voice of mine will not be heard by many new souls in the future. Once Orochimaru is done with me there will be nothing left from what I can predict," Sasori said, his soft voice lowering to a whisper.

"Oh." The woman's eyes shown with pity. Then with anger and regret. "You know, I never was too fond of Lord Orochimaru." Her eyes grew dark. "He and his experimentations are things that have haunted one too may of my dreams at night. Probably because he and his experimentations have been my reality one too many times."

Sasori’s look of concern deepened. "So you know then. You could help us. Every worker has the key, I know that for a fact.” He was confirmed of that fact when the woman glanced down at her apron; a very subtle glance, but one he caught. She reached down and the puppet was met with the silver glimmer that flashed in the dim light. The servant looked at the key with uncertainty.

"Look... I'm aware of your circumstances, you have a heavenly voice, bu—hey!" Even with her immense power and Sasori's lack thereof, he was much quicker, and he had the key in his wooden hand before one could even say wooden. She glared at him, a look of betrayal in her eyes. Sasori wanted to role his. So naive.

"No one else is around. I suggest you flee while you have the chance. As far as I know, you have nothing to do with us getting ahold of the key. That is as long as you keep quiet. If we get caught, I'm sure Orochimaru will be delighted to know which one of his oh so loyal servants let us free." All softness and warmth was again void of Sasori's face. "I've known him long enough to know he's not above using his traitors as his number one test subjects. Thanks for your help."

The woman couldn't argue with that one. With one last angered and frantic look left, right, and at Sasori, she was gone. Sasori twirled the key on his finger, sharing a nod with Pein.

"Wow." Deidara slapped Sasori on the shoulder as he stood to work the key. "Maybe you really should sing more often... yeah."

**

"Hey, listen up ya heathens. Now we gotta take it straight to the back before making a swift right. We'll take the shortcut by... Uh, oh yeah! Making a left at lair D. Then we'll turn right and make our way down to the corridor. Got it, cause I ain't repeatin' myself," Hidan whispered in a surprisingly serious tone. Everyone was behind him in a cautious single file. All nodded in unison.

"Good job Hidan. I suppose you do pay attention more than we give you credit for. Or even, more than you give yourself credit for," Pein whispered back next to Hidan as he peeked out from behind the wall.

"Eh, I pay attention to that kinda stuff. The stuff Kakuzu tells me about the enemy. As boring as it is, I figured listenin' in on what ancient info he's managed to collect over the years like about snake-turd's lair would come in handy, ya know? He may be older than the first Hokage's grandpa, but because of that, the old fart sure as hell knows some things, I guess."

"Good for you, Hidan. Now shut up," said. kakuzu.

After a few moments of silence, with as much stealth as they all could muster, the members were on the move. Their eyeballs were forever roaming as they scanned the areas around them unceasingly. They sprang behind one test tube to the next metal table, tiptoeing and hiding with the agility of the true shinobi they were.

"Hm. Just how much is the snake's lackeys slacking today?" Deidara whispered to the group. He was silenced by Konan's warning look. So far so good. There was practically no one in sight, which was a bit alarming. But miraculously, they managed to sneak past everyo—

"Hey. Just where the hell do... The Akatsuki? Hold on, just stop it right there."

Everyone froze. Why didn't they sense the approaching chakra before? 

"Hn." Itachi turned to face the owner of the deep, demanding voice. "Sasuke."

"Itachi Uchiha." Sasuke could barely contain the anger that threatened to boil over his kettle pot of composure and collectivity. He clutched his sword with such force that the hot blood pulsing through his knuckles threatened to gush free. His sharingan activated and span wildly. "You murdering bastard..." he snarled. He was so angry, so deeply enraged that he didn't even notice Itachi slowly approaching him. "I've been training... Training all this time. Carrying my hatred. Now...  _ face me! _ "

"Sasuke." Itachi’s voice was slightly softer this time as he slimmed the distance between them until there was only a foot separating the two. Itachi glanced behind his shoulder for a second before whipping his head back around. "Facing you in my condition is not plausible at the moment. My only objective at this time is to escape." He began to bring an arm up slowly. Sasuke grabbed his wrist, halting his movement. He squeezed it with crippling force.

"Face me Itachi,’’ he spat. "There is nothing to discuss, no excuses for the unspeakable you’ve done. Done to our clan! You will face me right this very moment, you hear me?!" Sasuke thundered.

Itachi sighed, closing his eyes before reopening them. Looking at Sasuke's nose instead of his deadly sharingan since he wasn't able to rival them at the moment. "Very well then. I shall face you." 

"Tch. Damn straight, you'll face me, you— what the— hey! Get y-your hands off me!  _ Itachiii! _ " Sasuke cried as he was suddenly forced into the tango position. He began tripping clumsily over Itachi's feet as the weasel forced them forward, taking measured steps to the beat of the music playing in his own head. The brothers stepped in the direction their outstretched arms and intertwined fingers were pointing.

"Itachi, what in the hell are you doing? Release me right now!" Sasuke said shakily. He was so caught off guard that he didn't even think to use his chakra, and before the flustered Uchiha could take another breath, he was being dropped down into the dip, his older brother supporting his weight, looking down at him, their faces inches apart.

"Foolish little brother. You told me to face you, am I mistaken? What's wrong with simply battling it out in dance? What is it, Sasuke. Is it that you cannot handle these moves?" Itachi asked before yanking the disoriented Sasuke back up in the blink of an eye. Then the weasel pulled his arms up, twirling Sasuke so fast that the younger Uchiha could've sworn he saw Orochimaru doing the Macarena with a dress on. Before long, Itachi released him to break into his own free-style, giving Sasuke no choice but to do nothing but stand there and watch. Itachi wasted no time in hitting the cupid shuffle and the robot, letting his dancing soul take him away.

Sasuke could not bare this. "GAAAH!  _ Nnngh _ —no, Itachi! My eyes! T-they burn! My sharingan! Can't... stop... replaying the moves in my head!  _ NO _ ...!" Sasuke moaned, clawing at his eyes. The older Uchiha saw this as his chance. He grabbed Sasuke spinning him once more with ultra speed before releasing him, causing Sasuke to stumble aimlessly.

Sasuke couldn't catch his footing, already feeling sick to his stomach, he sank to the ground. He could never take dancing, and Itachi  _ knew _ that...

"Why," Deidara started, staring at Itachi incredulously. "Why didn't he use his own moves like that while facing ME, hm?!"

"You... I'll kill you, Itachi..." Sasuke cut himself off to slap a hand over his mouth.

"My foolish little brother. You're still too weak. You don't have enough pop and lock. And you know something?" Itachi took a step back as everyone else prepared for their resumed escape. "You never will. Tobi."

"I'm on it!" Tobi bounded toward the two Uchiha. He stood over Sasuke. "Goodnight, Sasuke-kun!"

"Goodnight? And just what do you think you mean by—GAH!" and just like that, Tobi had done his special karate chop over the poor Uchiha's head, knocking him out. He looked at Itachi. Itachi nodded gravely.

"Your aggression has truly bloomed, Tobi."

"Why," Deidara started, staring at Tobi incredulously. "Why didn't he use that type of aggression while facing ME, hm?!"

"Do not dwell on the past, Deidara," Pein said. "It is time to continue—"

"Not so fast you old lot... Fufufuuu..." Everyone whirled around. It was Orochimaru.

"Ah, dammit! The exit is literally a few halls away! We're almost there. Seriously!" 

"Oh, dear me. What an embarrassment. It appears my lackeys have truly failed me to let you all have gotten this far without much trouble at all. How unworthy..." Orochimaru looked away for a second before his expression brightened with hope. "B-But, but, my dear boy Sasuke is on his way, and I'll just let  _ him _ take care of you a—  _ OOH... _ " Orochimaru had just taken sight of his 'dear boy' sprawled out and twitching on the floor behind Itachi and Tobi. The sannin's eyes narrowed. "Well... Even without Sasuke, this is as far as you'll go, I'm afraid."

"I'm sorry to rain on your parade, Orochimaru," Kisame said, stepping from the crowd of Akatsuki. "But I assure you, we will be escaping today." Everyone was shocked into silence by Kisame's confident tone.

"And just who—" Orochimaru did a triple take before doubling over with laughter at Kisame who stood before him. "Oh, how hilarious. What could  _ you  _ possibly do to me, you fine piece of spicy blue sushi. Give me a bit of seafood poisoning? Fufufuuu..."

Kisame stood firm, his expression hardening. "Well, such arrogance, coming from a powder white snake-man whose ears are much too small for his body." 

Orochimaru blanched at this, further encouraging Kisame who looked at him knowingly. "Ear surgery again? Well, I'm sorry to say it's not looking too good.” Almost all the members began snickering, making things worse for the snake wielder.

“After I extract my information from you, I’ll chop you up real good and serve you for dinner with my boy, Kabuto sitting across from me. With crab cakes and lobster on the side,” Orochimaru shot back.

“I doubt your boy, Kabuto will even be able to eat properly without laughing at your tiny ears wobbling in the candlelight as you chew,” said Kisame. All the Akatsuki, save Itachi, Sasori, Pein, Kakuzu, and Konan lost it.

"Th-the disrespect! Well, I-I I'll have you know... It just... It is only the... the most..." Orochimaru fumbled for what to say, anything to make up for how stupid he looked at the moment. As they continued laughing, he couldn't restrain himself from feeling at his tiny ears. His skin paled.

"You've lost, Orochimaru. All thanks to Kisame's now unshakable confidence. Well done, Kisame,” Pein said, rather proud of his blue subordinate.

Orochimaru spent all of two more seconds standing in front of the members, his lips twitching downward. He then shook a fist weakly at everyone. “Until next time!” he snarled before making a break for it, running down the hall into the darkness. "Kabuto! You said the surgery would turn out splendid this time!"

Everyone shared glances with one another in shocked silence, wondering if it was already over after barely putting up a fight.

"The exit! Let's go already!" Hidan shouted. And with that, they all fled.

**

After about thirty minutes of non-stop running, all the members were eventually stopped by Zetsu who'd emerged from the undergrowth just ahead of everyone.

"Zetsu-san!" Tobi squeaked and ran to hug the plant. "I was wondering where you were during all of this! I was so worried about you!" 

"GET YOUR GLOVED HANDS OFF OF ME YOU SWIRLY BUFFOON," Black Zetsu warned. Tobi complied.

"Zetsu. Glad to see you have escaped as well in one piece. I assume you have news,” Pein said.

Zetsu nodded. "It's alright everyone. You guys don't have to run anymore. OROCHIMARU COULDN’T CARE LESS ABOUT YOU PIECES OF TRASH NOW. Yes, he has decided to let you all leave. Said he had too much to worry about right now— HE SAID HE GOT YOU WEAKLINGS ONCE AND HE'LL DO IT AGAIN WHEN HE'S GOOD AND READY. Oh— but we'll be ready for him next time. Won't we, Tobi?" White Zetsu asked.

"Yay! Orochimaru's not coming! We did it! We're free! Woohoo!" Tobi cheered. 

It wasn't long before the tattoos began fading from everyone's wrists as well, and with the fading came the return of each member's steady chakra flow. Everyone assumed it was due to the fact that they were no longer in Orochimaru's vicinity. Thus, they continued on their long trek back to Amegakure.

As Deidara kept his pace in the back of the cluster of Akatsuki, he noticed Pein slowing until he was running right by his side. 

"Deidara, I wanted to take the time out to deliver my apology.” Pein was looking straight ahead, but the artist could still see his face. As emotionless as ever. But this time, with a slight softness evident in his eyes. “My reasonings for this little project were nothing but genuine for the purpose of Akatsuki's progression. But I may have let circumstances and personal qualms cloud my usually godly thinking."

Even during apologies, Pein didn't stand a chance against his ego.

"... And I realize this past week for you has been less than a leisurely sail across the ocean—"

“Pein-sama, stop,” Deidara sighed, successfully halting the rinnegan user. "It was... really no big deal at all, yeah,” he said quietly. "In fact, now really thinking about it..." 

"What is it Deidara?" Pein asked.

“All that you had me go through with this mission...was worth it, yeah.’’

"You're not serious, Deidara." 

"No. I'm completely serious," Deidara admitted, glancing down at the never-ending leaves as they ran.

Pein started, eyes holding a faint mix of astonished fondness for his subordinate. Despite everything, the artist appreciated his and Konan’s creative exercises after all. Pein suppressed a contented smile. "I see."

"Any mission that leads to discovering even my leader's weakness is kinda worth it, hm?"

And the astonished fondness in Pein's eyes vanished just like that. 

"Deidara. It pleases me greatly how much appreciation you’ve gained from this mission. Despite the minor slip ups, you’ve done an exceptional job all in all. You’ll receive your mission’s full pay tonight.”

"Nice.” Deidara held back his smirk.

Pein nodded. "You've earned it. You know what else you've earned? A promotion. Your next mission will be even greater than this one.”

There was silence. Deidara waited. Still more silence. 

_ Dammit. _

"So. What exactly... is this greater mission gonna be?" 

For the second time ever, Deidara thought he saw Pein's lips quirk upward ever-so-faintly, but when he turned for a fuller view, Pein’s face was blank. 

"You'll see."


End file.
